Commander Pepe sat behind his desk, his thick robes and hideously bulging body squeezed tightly into his reinforced chair. Despite having just finished one of his most penetrative massage sessions ever, he still felt tense – even more so now that the increasingly irritating Weezil Sagifagpakit had appeared in front of his desk with an update.
As Weezil spoke, the large screens behind him filled with animated charts, superbly rendered images and data. “As you can see, our fleet is in place and ready to confront the asteroid as it emerges from subspace. Another sixty-three ships are expected to join it over the next three hours.”
The commander nodded. “Excellent. What about our other defences? How have the system checks been going?”
“The defence field and orbital defence grid appear to be fine. We have not detected anything abnormal during our viral scans.”
The commander frowned. “I assume you performed a nano-grade scan?”
The chief officer shook his head. “Actually, no. That would not have given us results for a few hours. I thought that a micro-grade scan would be sufficient. Such a scan is considered satisfactory for normal system violations…”
Commander Pepe slammed his lard-loaded arms onto his desk. He shouted. “What, in Tabitha’s moon cupboard, made you think this could be a ‘normal’ system violation?!”
“Well, I thought that…”
“Thought?! You obviously didn’t think at all!” The commander was now fuming. He took a deep swig from a glass of double vanilla cream. The fatty liquid dribbled over his collection of chins. He slammed the glass down cracking its base. “Perform the nano-grade scan now!”
“But commander, the results may not be available before the asteroid arrives. I don’t think…”
“Do it!” The commander yelled. He breathed heavily. “Why must you exacerbate my stress in such a consistent manner?!”
Sweat was forming on Weezil’s brow. Before he could respond his data pad chimed. He looked down at its screen and then back up at Commander Pepe. “There’s a call for you from Ross Mental.”
The commander scowled at the chief officer. “Then put it through!”
The chief officer tapped at his data pad.
After a second Ross Mental spoke. “Commander? Are you fuckin’ there?”
“Sorry, yes. I was momentarily distracted by the astonishing incompetence of one of my senior staff.”
“I bet it was that fucker, Weezil, wasn’t it?!”
“I don’t want to name names.”
“You should. Brain-dead fucker’s like him need to be exposed!”
Weezil shuffled with discomfort, his head down.
Commander Pepe frowned and stared at the chief officer. “What you say has great merit. Perhaps I’ll consider doing so if we survive the current crisis. What’s your status?”
“That treacherous fucker has fled towards the adjoining cavern. I’ve joined up with Baron Onslaught’s team. We’re on our way there now. The fuckin’ bitch killed two bounty hunters!”
Commander Pepe’s stress level doubled. “Show her no mercy!”
The chief officer looked alarmed. He started to speak but stopped when the commander scowled at him.
“I stopped considering mercy long ago. She’s heading straight for Sebastian Blood’s team. If we don’t catch up with her in time, I’m hoping he’ll be able to blow the fucker clean away.”
The commander nodded. “You and your teams have my full confidence, as always.”
“It really fuckin’ annoys me that we can’t use more powerful weapons. I guess the palace relies on all these stinking fucks down here to process all our shit. Just one tactical fusion charge in that fuckin’ traitor’s vicinity would have sorted this problem long ago! And it probably would have sterilised this rank fuck hole, too!”
“Actually I’m not so sure we rely on them that much. The Superior Beings brought them here to process our waste during the palace’s construction phase, but a lot of automation was done shortly after that. Still, no one has informed me otherwise so I guess they are still essential. Weezil will probably confirm that.” The commander looked up at the chief officer. “Well, Weezil?”
Weezil looked at the commander. “Erm…”
“Answer me, damn it!”
“I guess we let them live down there out of compassion. There can be no other reason. Waste processing at the palace is completely automated. The under-class down there seems to like playing with our output, so we divert some in their direction to keep them happy.”
Commander Pepe seethed. “Why didn’t you inform me of that?!”
“I thought you knew.”
The commander lowered his voice. He wheezed. “You kept this from me because of your lust for Sadie Stick’s body! You knew I would order her vaporisation her if you told me!”
Weezil shook his head vigorously. “No. I simply assumed that…”
Commander Pepe pushed a concealed button under his desk. “You endangered the safety and security of the Palace of Amino by withholding information vital to my decision-making! And you did so to ensure that Sadie Stick is captured alive and imprisoned under your supervision, which would allow you access to live high-definition video of her in her cell at any time – day, night, clothed, or naked!”
Weezil looked shocked and embarrassed. “Commander! I admit to finding her a highly arousing specimen of female…”
The door to Commander Pepe’s office whooshed open. Four armoured security guards strode in. The lead guard spoke. “What is the problem, commander?”
The commander pointed at Weezil. “That pathetic hormonal moron is the problem. He has endangered the Palace of Amino, and betrayed his superiors. Arrest him!”
Before the chief officer could respond one of the guards gagged him and then blindfolded him. He struggled for a moment as another guard cuffed his ankles and wrists. He whimpered softly.
The commander shouted. “Get him out of my sight!”
Ross Mental’s spoke. “What the fuck’s going on there?”
Commander Pepe’s voice was shaking with rage. “I’ve just had my chief officer arrested and imprisoned for betrayal and endangering the palace.”
“About fuckin’ time!”
“Apparently the under-class is not as essential as we thought. You may use fusion weapons if necessary.”
“But please be careful. You are only about two kilometres from the Superior Beings. They must not be disturbed by your actions.”
The foul-mouthed bounty hunter laughed. “Don’t fuckin’ fret. I’ll be good!” He laughed loudly. “Ross Mental fuckin’ out.”
Commander Pepe leaned back into his chair and breathed heavily. His heart was pounding, and sweat was now dribbling down his forehead. For a few seconds he gazed out of his office’s panoramic window at the expansive Battle Command chamber. The sensor image of the approaching menace on one of the huge main screens sent a new surge of anxiety through his body.
He needed help.
He touched a control on his desk and then turned. The dark wood panelling behind his desk slid apart. A dense mist of steam billowed out accompanied by the scent of a dozen rare oils. And then three barely-clothed females emerged. They smiled dreamily.
The commander spoke with a serious tone. “I need it deep, long, and hard. And I need it now!”
The females giggled. They reached out, helping the disgustingly obese commander to his feet, and then dragged his colossal frame into the fog.