“They died about twenty minutes ago.” Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit explained.
Commander Pepe looked at the two mounds of female obesity slumped over their consoles. He shook his head. “There has never been a murder inside Amino Battle Command since its creation. This event is highly disturbing, even taking into account their extreme levels of unattractiveness and poor odour.” He looked up at his chief officer. “There appears to be very little blood. How were they killed?”
The chief officer reached forwards and grabbed the lank hair of the nearest corpse. He pulled, forcing the head to flop backwards. A gaping wound in the female’s neck was revealed. He pointed. “Their necks were slashed with a small blade. As you can see the wound is deep and precise. It’s angled to ensure that most of the blood flowed into the victim’s oversized stomach. Both were killed in the same manner.”
Commander Pepe took a sharp intake of breath. He stared at the pale fat face of the nearest corpse. “Only a bounty hunter would be such a skillful killer.”
Weezil Sagifagpakit nodded and looked at the commander. “The only bounty hunter known to have been down here in the last hour is Sadie Stick.”
“Why was she here?”
The chief officer pointed at an unmanned console next to the corpses. “According to the personnel logs the senior operator of External Defences, Shu Pong, allowed her to replace him for the day.”
The commander grunted. “That is a total breach of procedure!”
“Have him arrested, strip-searched, and hog-tied immediately!”
Commander Pepe frowned deeply and sighed. “This is confirmation that Sadie Stick is no longer in control of her actions.” He barked an order. “Raise the alert level. She must be neutralised at the earliest opportunity!”
“Neutralised? What exactly do you mean?”
The commander fumed. “Prevented from doing whatever she intends to do, of course! What did you think I meant?”
“Does that include killing her?”
“Of course it does! Are you dense?!”
The chief officer seemed concerned. “She is a formidable bounty hunter. Our security staff will be quite ineffective against her. She will easily defeat…”
The commander seethed. “Damn it, Weezil! Do I need to think of everything? Get a top-class bounty hunter on the case now!”
The chief officer nodded. He turned and headed away.
“You’re fuckin’ kidding me, right?”
Ross Mental was standing rigidly at the centre his luxurious Central Tower apartment. To his right a huge log fire roared in the stone-arched fireplace, and to his left the dull crackle of deep-frying meat emanated from the capacious kitchen as his assistants, Pruda Pundling and Tia Enkaik, prepared his dinner. The bounty hunter’s attention, though, was directed solely at the wall-sized image of Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit on the screen in front.
The chief officer shook his head. “I’m afraid not.”
The bounty hunter frowned, the creases on his furrowed brow exaggerated in the flickering light of the fire. “I was drinking with the fucker only yesterday! I even let that fuckin’ bitch drink some of my exclusive Gutfucker Premium!” He thought for a moment, and then yelled. “Treacherous fuckin cow!”
“She is a critical risk to Palace of Amino security and must be neutralised as soon as possible.”
“Then fuckin’ do it!”
“The security personnel down here, whilst densely muscled, are no match for a bounty hunter. And also we do not know Sadie Stick’s current location. Although we are quite certain she is still underground.”
“And you want me to find her?”
The chief officer nodded. “Yes we do. We already have two teams of lesser bounty hunters searching for her, lead by Baron Onslaught and Sebastian Blood.”
Ross Mental laughed. “You’re hopeless fuckers, aren’t you?!”
Weezil Sagifagpakit frowned. He obviously did not appreciate that remark. “We are all highly capable individuals and are exceptional at our roles. Just because we cannot apprehend a highly-trained and exceptionally curvaceous and toned…”
“You said earlier that Sadie Stick was looking after the palace’s external defences. Is that right?”
“Yes. Despite it being in contravention of stringent job-sharing regulations, Shu Pong had allowed her to take over his position for a day without supervision.”
“What the fuck for?!”
“Apparently Sadie Stick requested it. We arrested and hog-tied Shu Pong at his apartment a few minutes ago. He was naked and oiled, and about to smear himself in chocolate cream. It seems that the bounty hunter promised him an intense and deep…”
“Fuckin’ idiot! He gave her access to the external defences just because she promised him a mind-blowing fuck?!”
“It appears so. In a way it’s understandable. Sadie Stick has perfectly formed butt-cheeks, and a lovely…”
Ross Mental fumed. “Fuckin’ hell! Do none of you have any fuckin’ self-control down there?!”
“Of course, but you must admit that…”
The chief officer nodded. “I’m sorry. We are all…”
The bounty hunter interrupted once again. He had no patience for the hormone-related chatter of inferiors. “Did none of you find Sadie Stick’s request to work down in Battle Command as a bit fuckin’ suspicious?”
“A bounty hunter would never request such a banal fuckin’ job?!”
“Don’t make fuckin’ excuses!”
“There’s no need to…”
Ross Mental screamed. “Shut the fuck up!” After a few seconds he calmed slightly. “Have you checked the external defence systems yet?”
“Erm… No, not yet.”
The bounty hunter yelled like a fawning mollot. “You are fuckin’ hopeless, aren’t you?! Is incompetence hard-wired into your fuckin’ brain, or something?! It’s obvious that Sadie Stick wanted to work with the external defence systems for a good reason – a reason given to her by or via the nano-mechanism in her brain. And that reason is quite likely to be fuckin’ sabotage!”
“I will order the system to be checked.”
“You’d fuckin’ better!” Ross Mental took a few deep breaths and paced around. “Right, I’m coming down there with some fuck-off weapons.” He looked at the screen and grinned. The thought of a hunt within the confines of the palace itself was surprisingly intoxicating. “I’ll soon have your rogue bounty hunter ‘neutralised’, as you like to call it!”
The chief officer looked worried. “If possible please capture her alive, and intact. She is a valuable asset, one that must be…”
The foul-mouthed bounty hunter laughed. “She’s never going to let you fuck her, so fuckin’ forget it!”
Weezil looked flustered. “No no. That’s not what I…”
“Just admit it, you weak fucker!” He laughed again. “Don’t worry, your lust is understandable. Unfortunately, though, if I need to slice that fucker up and fry her innards I fuckin’ will, so accept it!”
Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit nodded solemnly.
Pruda Pundling and Tia Enkaik, both dripping with sweat, emerged from the kitchen, their normally loose red outfits clinging to their wet bodies. They each carried a tray full of fried and grilled meat. They put the trays on a low table in front of the fire, bowed, and then slipped quickly away.
Ross Mental stared at the food and smiled broadly. “Fuckin’ great!”
Pruda returned with a tankard of ale. She handed it to the bounty hunter.
Ross Mental took a long deep swig and then gasped. He looked at the screen. “I’m going to stuff this fuckin’ meal down and then I’ll be down there. Get those other bounty hunters who are searching for Sadie Stick to report directly to me. Ross Mental fuckin’ out!” He grabbed the charred leg of a gunta and bit down hard. Oil, fat and blood poured down his chin.