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Book: Vengeance of the Lump-Being
Chapter 50: The Largest Party Ever Held

Seven months later...

Sitting on a podium at the centre of the bar, Dick Burton strummed yet another melancholic chord on his ancient guitar – the start of yet another slow and disheartening song. A flood of miserable words emerged from his mouth. “Suddenly, you were gone… I looked behind, and there was no-one…”

Trying to ignore the amplified moaning, Panman stuffed an entire cheese and kipper bun into his mouth and looked down through the giant arched window. Fifty metres below, a crowd of tens of thousands had gathered, filling the whole of Opulent Square with a sea of undulating and adoring faces. The bounty hunter turned to Ross Mental. “Look at them all! They worship us!”

The foul-mouthed bounty hunter nodded. “And so they fuckin’ should!” He said, sipping gently at a cup of Earl Grey.

The Oh So Posh Tea and Bun Bar was considered one of the most luxurious and delectable eating establishments in the Dick Burton Feasting Tower. With its capacious, well-adorned interior and three-hundred thousand varieties of bun filling, the bar had rapidly become a popular haunt with the Palace of Amino’s high-ranking personnel. It was the obvious place to host today’s extraordinary ceremony.

Peter the Ace approached, accompanied by Commander Pepe. Both were wearing their formal ceremonial gowns.

The commander raised his glass of iced Darjeeling in greeting. “And there are two of my other magnificent heroes!” he said. With a reverberating thud, Commander Pepe collapsed his colossal frame into a well-padded chair.

Ross Mental acknowledged the commander. “You’re even fatter than I fuckin’ remember!”

“Thank you.” Commander Pepe said, nodding respectfully. “In the year and a half you’ve all been away I’ve managed to squeeze an extra three meals into my daily schedule, and reduce the amount of physical exertion I must endure by fifty percent. One of the most energetic activities I do now is to walk from my bed to the lift that takes me down to battle command.”

An idea popped like bubble-wrap into Panman’s mind. “Why don’t you have a system fitted that would enable your bed to descend down to battle command? Then you wouldn’t have to get up at all!”

The commander’s eyes widened. “What an incredible idea! And I have the extreme seniority to make such an absurd request to our engineers! They will have no choice but to do my bidding!” He leaned over and patted Panman on the shoulder. “You are, as always, filled with the most inspiring and original ideas.”

Panman agreed. “I am! Implement my suggestion and you’ll soon be the most massively corpulent humanoid at the palace.”

Peter the Ace was curious. “Commander, why would you would want to gain even more mass?”

Commander Pepe smiled. “Two reasons: first, to gain even more respect from my subordinates. And second, to be able to support even more oiled and intoxicated masseurs on my gut.”

Ross Mental grimaced. “What a sick fuckin’ sight that would be!”

“Not for me!” The commander said. He chuckled.

A deep rumble filled the room, providing welcome relief from the dirge of the sound of Dick Burton’s grating performance. Everyone looked round. The six huge arched windows at the front of the bar were sliding slowly apart.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit approached. He bowed politely. “Commander, it is time for the ceremony to begin.”

Commander Pepe nodded. “Thank you, Weezil. Get everyone into position, and then make my introduction.”

The chief officer nodded and wandered away.

The arched windows had now fully opened revealing a large curved terrace overlooking Opulent Square. The mumblings of the huge crowd below could clearly be heard.

“Let’s go, shall we?” Commander Pepe said. He groaned as he hauled his mass out of his chair.

Peter the Ace, Panman, and Ross Mental got to their feet and followed the commander as he waddled slowly towards the terrace.

More than a hundred bounty hunters and senior palace officials were in the Oh So Posh Tea and Bun Bar, and they were all heading out through the opened windows. Among them were Admiral Marmaduke Phutphungus and his tall and gaunt second in command Sub-Officer Shym-Sham Shawallihoo, still unsteady on his feet due to his recently shattered neck vertebrae. They were accompanied by Elena L’Apriscatole, her skin and hair fully restored after the horrific burns she suffered during her fleet’s encounter with the emitter beam. Many had commented that she looked more radiant than ever.

It took only a few minutes for everyone to take up their positions, to the delight of the cheering crowd below that whooped with joy at the appearance of each of their idols. Of course, it was the appearance of Peter the Ace and Panman that created the greatest commotion. Almost all of the female bounty hunters and trainees collapsed in ecstasy, their hands wedged between their legs, as the two first-class bounty hunters stepped into view. Many required medical assistance as their excitement overwhelmed their bodies and minds.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit stood on the podium at the front of the terrace. He looked down at the crowd and waited patiently for the medics to carry away the over-excited females, and then raised his hands. The crowd settled.

The chief officer spoke. “Welcome to you all. We are gathered here on this beautiful autumn evening to formally celebrate our victory over the emitter beam attack on our beloved Palace of Amino seven months ago. Our incredible triumph over the forces of extreme power was a joyous occasion, but it was also a dreadful occasion. We lost three-hundred and eighty-seven bounty hunters that day.”

The crowd bowed their heads momentarily. All had known personally at least one of the dead bounty hunters.

The chief officer allowed the crowd a few moments of contemplation, and then he continued. “Commander Pepe will now read out the names of all the bounty hunters and ships that were lost.”

Struggling under the pressure of his own immense body mass, Commander Pepe stepped up onto the podium. After taking a few moments to compose himself the commander began to recite the names of bounty hunters and ships lost. His voice was solemn and low. “Andy the Southern Dandy, and his ship, the Sludge Packer. Ceasar Face Invader, and his ship, the Stereotypical Moaning Human Female. Sebrina Total Control Freak and Bess Open For Business, and their ship, the Organic Tomato Farmer’s Unusually Masculine Wife. Lord Fear Factor, and his ship, the Bastion of Arse Whipping…”

After forty-four minutes Commander Pepe neared the end of the list. “… Crystal Jo Short Plank, and her ship, the Finest Dexterity Display. Flash Audio, and his ship, the Ship. And finally, Digital MacDonald and Miss Emma Frilly Filly Smythe-Hamilton, and their ship, the Seventh Century Pig.”

The crowd was stoic and silent.

Commander Pepe gave them a couple of seconds for deep thought. And then he laughed, raising his heavy arms into the air. “But our numbers will be replenished! We are still the most potent force of justice in the known systems!”

The crowd’s mood changed dramatically. They cheered, loosing all trace of restraint and composure, and whooped with the delight of a hoon monkey.

The commander waved, chuckling with fat-man joviality, and stepped off the podium.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit stepped up and took the commander’s place. “Now, before our main event, I ask that you show your thanks, and extreme respect to those among us who lead the effort that defeated the emitter beam attack.” The chief officer turned to his left. “First, I give you the leader of the first fleet, Admiral Marmaduke P Phutphungus, and his second in command Sub-Officer Shym-Sham Shawallihoo.”

The corpulent admiral and the agonizingly tall and gaunt sub-officer bowed. The crowd cheered.

The chief officer pointed to the bounty hunter standing next to Admiral Phutphungus. “Next, I give you the leader of the second fleet, a bounty hunter of mouth-watering competency and breathtaking flexibility. Elena L’Apriscatole!”

Elena L’Apriscatole leapt into the air, back flipping with incredible speed and finesse. With her ceremonial blue cape billowing behind her, she landed perfectly, taking up a menacing cat-like stance. The crowd roared with pleasure. The third-class bounty hunter grinned, and then bowed sweetly.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit could not help but applaud Elena L’Apriscatole’s display. He turned to his far right. “Next, I give you Woody Tiptoe, head of the palace’s external defences, whose team managed to maintain the integrity of our defence shield under the most implausible of circumstances.”

Woody Tiptoe nodded his wedge of a head towards the crowd. His tight-fitting plastic suit creaked under the strain. The crowd applauded politely, most having never seen him before.

The chief officer spoke once again. “Standing next to Woody Tiptoe I present two enchanting bounty hunters who helped capture our most rancid of foes. Collectively know as the Warrior Babes; please show your gratitude to Ginny the Screech ‘n’ Wail Mistress and Suzanne Nag-Witch!”

The Warrior Babes shook their chain outfits with ferocious hip-thrusts, delighting the cheering crowds.

“And finally,” The chief officer said, “I give you the bounty hunters that travelled out to the remote planet of Gun-Loc and infiltrated the complex containing the emitter beam. Against shocking odds, they managed to damage the emitter, and capture alive the evil Fump Fester lump-being, Pys Phecees. Please collapse in adoration for Peter the Ace, Panman, and Ross Mental!”

The crowd wept and swooned with joy. Moans of pleasure filled the air as thousands dropped to their knees, their hands clasped above their heads.

The three top-class bounty hunters nodded politely at the crowd, completely un-phased by what to them was a normal reaction to their presence.

The crowd was now screaming the names of the three bounty hunters. Several hundred females had already lapsed into unconsciousness, unable to cope with the ecstatic feelings flooding their minds. Hundreds of medical teams rushed to their aid, injecting powerful concoctions of drugs help them cope with the incredible feelings of desire and respect for their heroes.

Once again, Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit waited patiently for the crowd to settle. “And now for the final part of our celebration.” He pointed. “Please look to the west.”

Thousands of pairs of eyes turned west, squinting towards the bright orange sunset that filled the horizon beyond the towers of the palace. Three objects, silhouetted against the fiery sky, approached, the low drone of their atmospheric thrusters growing steadily in volume. The two larger objects - one mushroom-shaped, the other melon-shaped - were obviously ships. The mysterious third object was below the other two, suspended from the ships by a thick set of cables. It appeared to be draped in a long billowing blue blanket. The two ships and their object in tow drew to a halt a hundred metres above the centre of Opulent Square.

The chief officer spoke. “Two more bounty hunters helped to inflict damage on the emitter and capture the lump-being. They are above us now in their ships, the Hooded Whore and the Superfluous Third Nipple. Please express your thanks to Sebastian Blood and Jodi Funk Junky!”

The crowd roared, throwing clothing and sensor devices high into the air. The two ships performed a subtle bowing motion in response.

The chief officer continued. “And now, prepare to be amazed, disgusted, enthralled, and repulsed by what happens next.”

With a whirr of powerful motors a three metre wide column rose up from the exact centre point of Opulent Square. The crowd in that area stepped back. The column rose quickly, halting at a height of about ten metres.

The Hooded Whore and the Superfluous Third Nipple began a quick descent, lowering the blanketed object onto the top of the column. The blanket now draped over the entire length of the column. Murmurs of curiosity spread across the crowd.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit waved for attention. “The emitter attack on the sanctity of our home was the most ferocious and despicable ever conceived. It is therefore appropriate for an equally despicable monument to be created to remind us all of our victory.”

With a series of clunks the cables attaching the two ships to the blanketed object disconnected. The ships held their positions, withdrawing the cables into their hulls.

For a few seconds all was silent. The crowd focused on the object and column at the centre of the square, still draped in the huge blanket.

Without warning two wide green beams of puissant energy, one from each ship, connected with the blanket. The blanket burst into a white ball of flame, vaporising into a cloud of dark smoke.

The crowd gasped, watching with excited curiosity as the cloud dispersed in the breeze. Questions filled their thoughts. What was it that had been hidden? What could possibly be considered a suitable monument to represent the palace’s survival against the most heinous attack on it yet? Who was that horrendously plump but surprisingly attractive female standing behind Admiral Phutphungus?

The first two of their questions were quickly answered. The crowd were momentarily stunned. And then they laughed like gassed gibbons.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit spoke. “I present to you all the most evil, most soiled, most dreadful prisoner that we have ever captured. Show your contempt for mastermind behind the attack on our homes - Pys Phecees, the Fump-Fester lump-being!”

In a large glass sphere perched on top of the column at the centre of Opulent Square squirmed Pys Phecees. Splashing across a pool of his own filth, he pressed his wide leather face against the surface of the sphere and gazed down at the jeering crowd. His big black eyes blinked furiously and his tongue slapped across his thick chapped lips.

The chief officer continued. “As punishment for his crimes the lump-being will remain on show in that sphere for the rest of his days. He will languish in the outflow of his own massive buttocks, eating bland paste pumped into the top of the sphere each morning. He will be able to watch as the Palace of Amino grows and develops into an even more potent force of anti-evil that it is today. Here, at the centre of our gleaming metropolis, he will slowly grow insane with hatred and jealousy. And most important of all, he will provide motivation and be a source of great amusement to all of you as you pass by this place.”

The crowd cheered. Pys Phecees looked down on them, his eyes narrowed in rage. A sudden and violent spray of dense defecation spread through the sphere. The crowd groaned, and then fell about laughing as wet shit dribbled down onto the lump-being’s face. Pys Phecees glared down and then slipped backwards, splashing hard into the pool of his own waste. The crowd cried with delight.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit was struggling to retain his composure. “And now, please make your way to any one of the Central District’s hundreds of delectable eating and drinking establishments. Eat heartily, drink deeply, and dance frenziedly. For tonight we celebrate the magnitude of our astounding greatness!”

The crowd cheered once again, and then, elated to bursting point, they began to disperse under the honey glow of the deepening sunset. The largest party ever held at the Palace of Amino was about to begin.


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