Seven months later...
Sitting on a podium at the centre of the bar, Dick Burton strummed yet another
melancholic chord on his ancient guitar – the start of yet another
slow and disheartening song. A flood of miserable words emerged from his
mouth. “Suddenly, you were gone… I looked behind, and there
Trying to ignore the amplified moaning, Panman stuffed an entire cheese
and kipper bun into his mouth and looked down through the giant arched window.
Fifty metres below, a crowd of tens of thousands had gathered, filling the
whole of Opulent Square with a sea of undulating and adoring faces. The
bounty hunter turned to Ross Mental. “Look at them all! They worship
The foul-mouthed bounty hunter nodded. “And so they fuckin’
should!” He said, sipping gently at a cup of Earl Grey.
The Oh So Posh Tea and Bun Bar was considered one of the most luxurious
and delectable eating establishments in the Dick Burton Feasting Tower.
With its capacious, well-adorned interior and three-hundred thousand varieties
of bun filling, the bar had rapidly become a popular haunt with the Palace
of Amino’s high-ranking personnel. It was the obvious place to host
today’s extraordinary ceremony.
Peter the Ace approached, accompanied by Commander Pepe. Both were wearing
their formal ceremonial gowns.
The commander raised his glass of iced Darjeeling in greeting. “And
there are two of my other magnificent heroes!” he said. With a reverberating
thud, Commander Pepe collapsed his colossal frame into a well-padded chair.
Ross Mental acknowledged the commander. “You’re even fatter
than I fuckin’ remember!”
“Thank you.” Commander Pepe said, nodding respectfully. “In
the year and a half you’ve all been away I’ve managed to squeeze
an extra three meals into my daily schedule, and reduce the amount of physical
exertion I must endure by fifty percent. One of the most energetic activities
I do now is to walk from my bed to the lift that takes me down to battle
An idea popped like bubble-wrap into Panman’s mind. “Why
don’t you have a system fitted that would enable your bed to descend
down to battle command? Then you wouldn’t have to get up at all!”
The commander’s eyes widened. “What an incredible idea! And
I have the extreme seniority to make such an absurd request to our engineers!
They will have no choice but to do my bidding!” He leaned over and
patted Panman on the shoulder. “You are, as always, filled with the
most inspiring and original ideas.”
Panman agreed. “I am! Implement my suggestion and you’ll soon
be the most massively corpulent humanoid at the palace.”
Peter the Ace was curious. “Commander, why would you would want
to gain even more mass?”
Commander Pepe smiled. “Two reasons: first, to gain even more respect
from my subordinates. And second, to be able to support even more oiled
and intoxicated masseurs on my gut.”
Ross Mental grimaced. “What a sick fuckin’ sight that would
“Not for me!” The commander said. He chuckled.
A deep rumble filled the room, providing welcome relief from the dirge of
the sound of Dick Burton’s grating performance. Everyone looked round.
The six huge arched windows at the front of the bar were sliding slowly
Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit approached. He bowed politely. “Commander,
it is time for the ceremony to begin.”
Commander Pepe nodded. “Thank you, Weezil. Get everyone into position,
and then make my introduction.”
The chief officer nodded and wandered away.
The arched windows had now fully opened revealing a large curved terrace
overlooking Opulent Square. The mumblings of the huge crowd below could
clearly be heard.
“Let’s go, shall we?” Commander Pepe said. He groaned
as he hauled his mass out of his chair.
Peter the Ace, Panman, and Ross Mental got to their feet and followed the
commander as he waddled slowly towards the terrace.
More than a hundred bounty hunters and senior palace officials were in the
Oh So Posh Tea and Bun Bar, and they were all heading out through the opened
windows. Among them were Admiral Marmaduke Phutphungus and his tall and
gaunt second in command Sub-Officer Shym-Sham Shawallihoo, still unsteady
on his feet due to his recently shattered neck vertebrae. They were accompanied
by Elena L’Apriscatole, her skin and hair fully restored after the
horrific burns she suffered during her fleet’s encounter with the
emitter beam. Many had commented that she looked more radiant than ever.
It took only a few minutes for everyone to take up their positions, to the
delight of the cheering crowd below that whooped with joy at the appearance
of each of their idols. Of course, it was the appearance of Peter the Ace
and Panman that created the greatest commotion. Almost all of the female
bounty hunters and trainees collapsed in ecstasy, their hands wedged between
their legs, as the two first-class bounty hunters stepped into view. Many
required medical assistance as their excitement overwhelmed their bodies
Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit stood on the podium at the front of the
terrace. He looked down at the crowd and waited patiently for the medics
to carry away the over-excited females, and then raised his hands. The crowd
The chief officer spoke. “Welcome to you all. We are gathered here
on this beautiful autumn evening to formally celebrate our victory over
the emitter beam attack on our beloved Palace of Amino seven months ago.
Our incredible triumph over the forces of extreme power was a joyous occasion,
but it was also a dreadful occasion. We lost three-hundred and eighty-seven
bounty hunters that day.”
The crowd bowed their heads momentarily. All had known personally at least
one of the dead bounty hunters.
The chief officer allowed the crowd a few moments of contemplation, and
then he continued. “Commander Pepe will now read out the names of
all the bounty hunters and ships that were lost.”
Struggling under the pressure of his own immense body mass, Commander
Pepe stepped up onto the podium. After taking a few moments to compose
himself the commander began to recite the names of bounty hunters and
ships lost. His voice was solemn and low. “Andy the Southern Dandy,
and his ship, the Sludge Packer. Ceasar Face Invader, and his ship, the
Stereotypical Moaning Human Female. Sebrina Total Control Freak and Bess
Open For Business, and their ship, the Organic Tomato Farmer’s Unusually
Masculine Wife. Lord Fear Factor, and his ship, the Bastion of Arse Whipping…”
After forty-four minutes Commander Pepe neared the end of the list. “…
Crystal Jo Short Plank, and her ship, the Finest Dexterity Display. Flash
Audio, and his ship, the Ship. And finally, Digital MacDonald and Miss Emma
Frilly Filly Smythe-Hamilton, and their ship, the Seventh Century Pig.”
The crowd was stoic and silent.
Commander Pepe gave them a couple of seconds for deep thought. And then
he laughed, raising his heavy arms into the air. “But our numbers
will be replenished! We are still the most potent force of justice in the
The crowd’s mood changed dramatically. They cheered, loosing all trace
of restraint and composure, and whooped with the delight of a hoon monkey.
The commander waved, chuckling with fat-man joviality, and stepped off the
Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit stepped up and took the commander’s
place. “Now, before our main event, I ask that you show your thanks,
and extreme respect to those among us who lead the effort that defeated
the emitter beam attack.” The chief officer turned to his left. “First,
I give you the leader of the first fleet, Admiral Marmaduke P Phutphungus,
and his second in command Sub-Officer Shym-Sham Shawallihoo.”
The corpulent admiral and the agonizingly tall and gaunt sub-officer bowed.
The crowd cheered.
The chief officer pointed to the bounty hunter standing next to Admiral
Phutphungus. “Next, I give you the leader of the second fleet, a bounty
hunter of mouth-watering competency and breathtaking flexibility. Elena
Elena L’Apriscatole leapt into the air, back flipping with incredible
speed and finesse. With her ceremonial blue cape billowing behind her, she
landed perfectly, taking up a menacing cat-like stance. The crowd roared
with pleasure. The third-class bounty hunter grinned, and then bowed sweetly.
Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit could not help but applaud Elena L’Apriscatole’s
display. He turned to his far right. “Next, I give you Woody Tiptoe,
head of the palace’s external defences, whose team managed to maintain
the integrity of our defence shield under the most implausible of circumstances.”
Woody Tiptoe nodded his wedge of a head towards the crowd. His tight-fitting
plastic suit creaked under the strain. The crowd applauded politely, most
having never seen him before.
The chief officer spoke once again. “Standing next to Woody Tiptoe
I present two enchanting bounty hunters who helped capture our most rancid
of foes. Collectively know as the Warrior Babes; please show your gratitude
to Ginny the Screech ‘n’ Wail Mistress and Suzanne Nag-Witch!”
The Warrior Babes shook their chain outfits with ferocious hip-thrusts,
delighting the cheering crowds.
“And finally,” The chief officer said, “I give you the
bounty hunters that travelled out to the remote planet of Gun-Loc and infiltrated
the complex containing the emitter beam. Against shocking odds, they managed
to damage the emitter, and capture alive the evil Fump Fester lump-being,
Pys Phecees. Please collapse in adoration for Peter the Ace, Panman, and
The crowd wept and swooned with joy. Moans of pleasure filled the air as
thousands dropped to their knees, their hands clasped above their heads.
The three top-class bounty hunters nodded politely at the crowd, completely
un-phased by what to them was a normal reaction to their presence.
The crowd was now screaming the names of the three bounty hunters. Several
hundred females had already lapsed into unconsciousness, unable to cope
with the ecstatic feelings flooding their minds. Hundreds of medical teams
rushed to their aid, injecting powerful concoctions of drugs help them cope
with the incredible feelings of desire and respect for their heroes.
Once again, Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit waited patiently for the crowd
to settle. “And now for the final part of our celebration.”
He pointed. “Please look to the west.”
Thousands of pairs of eyes turned west, squinting towards the bright orange
sunset that filled the horizon beyond the towers of the palace. Three objects,
silhouetted against the fiery sky, approached, the low drone of their atmospheric
thrusters growing steadily in volume. The two larger objects - one mushroom-shaped,
the other melon-shaped - were obviously ships. The mysterious third object
was below the other two, suspended from the ships by a thick set of cables.
It appeared to be draped in a long billowing blue blanket. The two ships
and their object in tow drew to a halt a hundred metres above the centre
of Opulent Square.
The chief officer spoke. “Two more bounty hunters helped to inflict
damage on the emitter and capture the lump-being. They are above us now
in their ships, the Hooded Whore and the Superfluous Third Nipple. Please
express your thanks to Sebastian Blood and Jodi Funk Junky!”
The crowd roared, throwing clothing and sensor devices high into the air.
The two ships performed a subtle bowing motion in response.
The chief officer continued. “And now, prepare to be amazed, disgusted,
enthralled, and repulsed by what happens next.”
With a whirr of powerful motors a three metre wide column rose up from the
exact centre point of Opulent Square. The crowd in that area stepped back.
The column rose quickly, halting at a height of about ten metres.
The Hooded Whore and the Superfluous Third Nipple began a quick descent,
lowering the blanketed object onto the top of the column. The blanket now
draped over the entire length of the column. Murmurs of curiosity spread
across the crowd.
Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit waved for attention. “The emitter
attack on the sanctity of our home was the most ferocious and despicable
ever conceived. It is therefore appropriate for an equally despicable monument
to be created to remind us all of our victory.”
With a series of clunks the cables attaching the two ships to the blanketed
object disconnected. The ships held their positions, withdrawing the cables
into their hulls.
For a few seconds all was silent. The crowd focused on the object and column
at the centre of the square, still draped in the huge blanket.
Without warning two wide green beams of puissant energy, one from each ship,
connected with the blanket. The blanket burst into a white ball of flame,
vaporising into a cloud of dark smoke.
The crowd gasped, watching with excited curiosity as the cloud dispersed
in the breeze. Questions filled their thoughts. What was it that had been
hidden? What could possibly be considered a suitable monument to represent
the palace’s survival against the most heinous attack on it yet? Who
was that horrendously plump but surprisingly attractive female standing
behind Admiral Phutphungus?
The first two of their questions were quickly answered. The crowd were momentarily
stunned. And then they laughed like gassed gibbons.
Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit spoke. “I present to you all the
most evil, most soiled, most dreadful prisoner that we have ever captured.
Show your contempt for mastermind behind the attack on our homes - Pys Phecees,
the Fump-Fester lump-being!”
In a large glass sphere perched on top of the column at the centre of Opulent
Square squirmed Pys Phecees. Splashing across a pool of his own filth, he
pressed his wide leather face against the surface of the sphere and gazed
down at the jeering crowd. His big black eyes blinked furiously and his
tongue slapped across his thick chapped lips.
The chief officer continued. “As punishment for his crimes the
lump-being will remain on show in that sphere for the rest of his days.
He will languish in the outflow of his own massive buttocks, eating bland
paste pumped into the top of the sphere each morning. He will be able
to watch as the Palace of Amino grows and develops into an even more potent
force of anti-evil that it is today. Here, at the centre of our gleaming
metropolis, he will slowly grow insane with hatred and jealousy. And most
important of all, he will provide motivation and be a source of great
amusement to all of you as you pass by this place.”
The crowd cheered. Pys Phecees looked down on them, his eyes narrowed in
rage. A sudden and violent spray of dense defecation spread through the
sphere. The crowd groaned, and then fell about laughing as wet shit dribbled
down onto the lump-being’s face. Pys Phecees glared down and then
slipped backwards, splashing hard into the pool of his own waste. The crowd
cried with delight.
Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit was struggling to retain his composure.
“And now, please make your way to any one of the Central District’s
hundreds of delectable eating and drinking establishments. Eat heartily,
drink deeply, and dance frenziedly. For tonight we celebrate the magnitude
of our astounding greatness!”
The crowd cheered once again, and then, elated to bursting point, they began
to disperse under the honey glow of the deepening sunset. The largest party
ever held at the Palace of Amino was about to begin.