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Book: Vengeance of the Lump-Being
Chapter 44: Pendulous Breast Massage

“Your tomato juice, General Talwartz.”

“Thank you, Schnitzel.” General Jenny Talwartz said, accepting the beverage from her assistant.

Schnitzel nodded, and then marched strictly out of the general’s small but plush office, his purple gold-braided cloak billowing around his squat pair-shaped frame. The door whooshed closed behind him.

The general spun her chair round to face her office’s large oval window. Taking a sip of her juice, she looked down through the tinted glass to the spacious Palace of Amino Long-Range Intelligence operations room below. She could see her team, twenty strong, working diligently, lit by the orange glow of their consoles, and the giant three-metre tall view screen at the front of the room.

Reluctantly, as ordered by Commander Pepe, Jenny Talwartz had set her team scanning as deep as possible in the direction of the planet Gun-Loc, almost thirty thousand light-years away. They had been scanning for a couple of days now, and not even a ghost of an echo of a threat had returned.

A complete waste of time, she thought as she took another sip of juice. There’s no threat out there! And if there is, Peter the Ace and Panman will eliminate it. Pointless!

The communications console on her desk bleeped. She answered in her usual stony manner. “Yes?”

General Talwartz?

The general frowned. “Yes, of course it is. Who is it and what is it?”

“This is Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit. We have received another DEEPSHIP encoded message from Peter the Ace.

Jenny Talwartz laughed. “Finally! So everything is resolved, is it? Good. Now I can put my department back to…”

Everything is not resolved, general. The emitter could not be disabled. According to the information in the message, the emitter will now have fired.

The general could not believe it. “No! You are wrong. My faith in our top-class bounty hunters is complete. I’m certain they have disabled the…”

I’m afraid I’m not wrong, general. But most of your faith is not misplaced. Peter the Ace and Panman, with a little help, have managed to reduce the output of the emitter by seventy percent - a remarkable achievement, and one that should give us a reasonable chance of survival.

“But our deep scans have not detected the emitter beam.” General Talwartz said, confused. “We refocused our sensors and have been scanning out to almost fifteen-thousand light-years – half the distance to Gun-Loc. Surely the beam would have appeared on our screens by now?”

By my calculations you should begin to detect something very soon.

“I’ll let you know if I do, chief officer. But I don’t expect to…”

An alarm whooped loudly.

The general’s heart sank. She recognised it immediately. It was an alarm that had not sounded for more than fourteen years, when the approach of the Mechanism was first detected. The general looked out into the operations room. It was full of activity, and the giant view screen had filled with numerous colourful diagrams and windows of information.

What’s going on, general?” Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit asked.

General Talwartz looked out at the collection of images on the giant view screen. She sighed as she quickly interpreted what she saw. “We’ve just detected the emitter beam.” She said. “We’ll be able to confirm its course and exact speed shortly.”

I told you so.” The chief officer said.

“So you did.” The general agreed, annoyed at Weezil Sagifagpakit’s smugness.

I’m arranging an emergency meeting in the main situation room. Be there in ten minutes. Make sure you have all the necessary information at hand.

“Of course I will.” Jenny Talwartz said through gritted teeth. “What makes you think I wouldn’t?”

Your attitude, general.

Before the general could respond the communications channel closed.

Arrogant self-satisfied little zit! General Talwartz thought. She operated her communications console, opening a channel to her second in command. “Dimpal?”

The reply was swift, and tremendously camp. “Hiya, General Talwartz! Amazing, I was just about to contact you! Contrary to what you expected, we have detected the…

“I know! I can see, idiot! I need a thorough analysis within the next few minutes. Create a suitable visual presentation for me and deliver it to the main situation room.”

Of course, general. I’ll prepare it for you myself. You’ll have it in five fabulous minutes!

“Thank you, Dimpal.”

No problem, general. Bye!


Commander Pepe was the last to enter the main situation room. He was accompanied by Hazel Lazernipelz, who was dressed in nothing more than a translucent pink miniskirt. Her oiled toned body glistened in the subdued lighting.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit greeted the commander. “Sorry to have to get you down here so quickly, commander.”

“The emitter has fired, I presume?” Commander Pepe said.

“It has.” The chief officer said solemnly. “We received another DEEPSHIT encoded message from Peter the Ace a short time ago. Our bounty hunters on Gun-Loc were unable to disable the emitter, although they did manage to reduce its output by around seventy percent.

Commander Pepe strained a smile. “A remarkable achievement.” He said. “We are fortunate to have our three best bounty hunters out there.”

“Indeed we are.” The chief officer agreed. He pointed to the front of the situation room. “General Talwartz and her long-range intelligence department have just detected the emitter beam. She’ll now present the details.”

Commander Pepe looked at the general. “Well, Jenny! It looks like your blasé dismissal of the threat a few days ago has been proven completely and utterly stupid! Don’t you agree?”

General Talwartz straightened her bland grey uniform, trying to hide her discomfort. “I guess so, commander.”

“You know so!” Commander Pepe bellowed. “Freely admit your failures, general. I have no time to entertain buck-passers and yellow-bellies in Battle Command. Understood?”

Jenny Talwartz nodded once. “Yes, commander.”

“Good. Let’s get on with it.” The commander ordered. He squeezed his abundant frame into his opulence chair at the head of the table. The only other person present was Woody Tiptoe, head of the Palace of Amino’s external defences.

Hazel Lazernipelz stood behind the commander’s chair. She began to slowly massage his shoulders.

General Jenny Talwartz motioned towards the curved view screen behind her. A diagrammatic map of the galaxy appeared. The image zoomed in to the first quadrant, spraying multicoloured solar systems in all directions. The planet Gun-Loc was now labelled at the top of the screen, and the planet Enchantia, home of the Palace of Amino, was labelled at the bottom.

“Well?” Commander Pepe asked impatiently.

The general began her presentation. “Sixteen minutes ago, shortly after the message from Peter the Ace was received, the emitter beam was detected, confirming that the emitter has, against all expectations, been fired.”

A pulsing red line was added to the image on the view screen, indicating the position and progress of the beam.

General Talwartz continued. “A rapid analysis of our preliminary sensor information confirms that the beam is indeed on an intercept course with the Palace of Amino. The front of the beam is currently 12,533 light years away, and travelling at an ultra-space speed of magnitude-four.”

Everyone gasped.

“No way!” Woody Tiptoe said, rubbing the back of his head.

“I’m afraid so.” The general said. “And that means it’s travelling at almost 740 light years per hour. It will strike the Palace of Amino in sixteen hours and forty-eight minutes.”

Commander Pepe spoke. “Dear me. Unfortunate, but not unexpected. What about our two fleets? When will it reach them?”

General Talwartz motioned towards the view screen. Icons and text appeared over the main image. “The blue diamond indicates the position of the first fleet, located at the nearest border of the Ar’Mar’Ni sector, just over 192 light years from the palace. The yellow diamond indicates the position of the second fleet, located in the Humki-Pumki system, 93 light years from the palace. The first fleet will encounter the emitter beam in sixteen hours and nineteen minutes. If that fleet fails to absorb the beam, the second fleet will encounter the beam in sixteen hours and thirty-two minutes.”

Commander Pepe worked out the rest. “And if the second fleet fails, the beam will hit the palace twelve minutes later.”

General Talwartz nodded.

Commander Pepe turned to Woody Tiptoe. “What’s the status of the palace’s defence field? Did you manage to increase the field’s strength?”

“No.” The head of external defence answered.

The commander was taken aback. “What? I thought I asked you to see if you could boost the strength?”

Woody Tiptoe nodded. “You did. And I investigated ways to do it. But the field is already enhanced, optimised, and augmented to its maximum. The only way to increase the strength of the defence field is to redesign the system from scratch, and then completely dismantle the old field mechanism and replace it with the new one. That would take more than a year to complete.”

Commander Pepe slammed his fist onto the table. “Just increase the power going to the field, you dim shit!”

Hazel rubbed her naked oiled breasts across the back of the commander’s head in an attempt to calm him down.

The girl’s actions distracted Woody Tiptoe for a brief second. Blinking, he returned his attention back to Commander Pepe. The head of external defences shook his head. “The field has always been saturated with power each time it’s been used. Sending more power would more than likely burn out the system. That would be a disaster, don’t you think?”

The commander had no choice but to agree. “Yes, it would. Never mind. We’ll just have to hope it’ll hold. Weezil?”

The chief officer appeared from the shadows at the back of the room. “Yes, commander?”

“Send a message to Admiral Phutphungus on the Slaying Mantis. Relay all the information we’ve just seen. Copy the message to the leader of the second fleet.”

“Of course, commander.”

“Good!” The commander said, hauling himself awkwardly out of his chair. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointed with three pairs of pendulous breasts back up at my apartment.”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to stay down here, commander.” Weezil Sagifagpakit said.

Commander Pepe glared at the chief-officer. “What in Darrin’s tomb for?”

“The Palace of Amino is now on its highest state of alert.” The chief officer said. “All important personnel are being evacuated to bunkers. Throughout the duration of this crisis you must stay within the confines of Battle Command. If the emitter beam reaches the palace, and the defence field fails, all surface structures will be vaporised. Your only chance of survival is to be down here.”

The commander was annoyed. “What about my pendulous breast massage?”

“I’ll arrange for your pendulous-breasted masseurs to come down here to your emergency quarters.”

Commander Pepe nodded. “Very well. But do it now. I need those breasts on my body as soon as possible!”

The chief officer nodded. He walked briskly out of the main situation room.

Commander Pepe looked at Woody Tiptoe and General Talwartz. “What are you two staring at? Get back to work. Now!”

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