The damaged saucer ship drifted like a perforated hubcap through the void of
space, its hull glittering in the harsh sunlight as it tumbled slowly.
Less than a hundred metres away, the cause of the saucer ship’s damage,
the Drug Abuser, hung purposely nearby, its multitude of spiky weapons still
armed and ready.
And gliding to a halt just above was the huge black mass of the mighty,
but heavily damaged, Blenheim.
Peter the Ace looked at the image of the stricken saucer ship on the main
view screen. “Blenheim, deep scan that ship. Especially the large
flatulent chap inside.”
The image on the main view screen changed to display the results of the
scan. The damage to the saucer ship was extensive. Its unusually small
propulsion system had been rendered completely useless, and half of its
outer hull resembled a crude homemade sieve.
At the centre of the saucer, protected by a still intact inner hull, was
the bulbous hot mass that was the Fump-Fester lump-being, alive and very
Ross Mental wandered onto the bridge, swaying unsteadily on his new cyborg
legs. He pointed at the view screen. “That fat fuck is up to something
in there! We should blow his fuckin’ guts apart right now!”
“Interesting idea.” Peter the Ace said. “But first,
I think I’ll give him a call.” He opened a communications
channel. “Pys Phecees. This is Peter the Ace. Good to see you again.
About time you surrendered, don’t you think?”
There was no response. The lump-being continued doing whatever he was
“Rude fucker!” Ross Mental shouted.
Peter the Ace tried again, this time using a considerable amount of psychological
pressure. “Are you too scared to respond? Don’t worry, I understand.
It must be incredibly intimidating to have a bounty hunter of my stature
and power close by. Your tremendous fear is quite normal. Maybe if you
try some kind of herbal remedy to calm your nerves? I recommend Yabadaba
Root tea with a sprinkle of desiccated…”
A guttural voice boomed. “I don’t fear you or any of your
The lump-being’s wide stumpy face filled the main view screen. His
big black eyes blinked vigorously.
Ross Mental glowered. “You’re fucked, you fuck off fuckin’
freak of a fuckin’ lifeform!”
Pys Phecees’s tongue slapped across his lips. “My glorious
weapon is still going to fire, you fool! It is you and all of your kind
who are ‘fucked’!” The lump-being chuckled, his chins
bouncing and flexing like a stack of half-inflated tractor tyres.
“Fucker!” Ross Mental screamed. “I’m coming over
there and I’m going to rip your fuckin’ arse right out of
“You don’t have the skills or strength to get anywhere near
my arse, you weak stick of humanoid…”
Peter the Ace put his hand up. “Calm yourselves.” He said
assertively. “Let’s all act a little more rationally, shall
Ross Mental struggled to comply with his superior, barely managing to
contain the immeasurable rage within him.
The lump-being spat hard. The image on the view screen blurred as phlegm
dribbled across the camera lens on board the saucer. Then the image faded
“Hmm…” Peter the Ace thought. He leaned forwards and
operated his communicator. “Panman?”
The bounty hunter answered, his voice almost drowned out by an incredible
amount of background noise. “Ace! How’s it going up there?”
“As expected. What’s happening down there? I thought you’d
have finished all the cyborg construction by now.”
“I would have done, but I had a surprise patient, and she required
a full body build. Justin’s on the machine now. He’s been
rebuilt. He’s just being washed and polished, and then he’s
Peter the Ace’s curiosity had been aroused. “Where did you
find a surprise patient?”
“It’s quite an interesting story. Want to hear it?”
“Love to, but there’s no time. I need you up here. I’m
afraid we’re going to have to fire one of our weapons.”
The delight in Panman’s voice was obvious. “Whoa! Be right
It took Panman less than twenty seconds to get up to the bridge. With
one of the most reckless somersaults ever seen, he leapt over Ross Mental
and landed noisily in his chair at the weapons console. He activated every
offensive system possible. “Ready. Show me the target.”
Peter the Ace pointed at the main view screen. “Our plump chum in
the saucer ship, of course.”
Panman grinned. “Excellent! A version four CHUM Imploder should
suck away the problem.”
“It would indeed.” Peter the Ace agreed. “But I want
that lump-being alive. I suggest you puncture the saucer’s inner
hull. The resulting rapid decompression should persuade Pys Phecees to
surrender. The warrior babes used their projectile gun to good effect.
Panman nodded. “Projectile gun, eh? Why not!” He operated
a few controls. A crosshair appeared on the main view screen. Panman moved
the crosshair over the internal scan of the saucer to a point at the edge
of the inner hull. The lump-being was at a safe distance at the other
side of the saucer. “How about there?”
“Go for it.” Peter the Ace said.
Panman fired a single shot. There was cloud of sparks as the hypersonic
bullet smacked into the saucer ship’s inner hull. A cloudy stream
of air burst out of the hole.
“Fuckin’ yes!” Ross Mental exclaimed, punching the air.
He laughed as Pys Phecees bounced frantically inside his saucer. “The
fucker’s had it!”
Ross Mental spoke too soon. Pys Phecees found the leak, and plugged it.
“More fuckin’ holes!”
Panman followed Ross Mental’s suggestion. He programmed a ten shot
burst, then fired. In what seemed like an instance, ten more holes were
punched into the saucer’s inner hull. Jets of air escaped.
The lump-being reacted immediately, seeking out each leak. Each time he
found one he managed to plug it. Within a few seconds he’d plugged
Panman was frustrated. “How’s he managing to repair the hull
Peter the Ace pointed to the view screen. “Look at the scan of the
lump-being. The temperature of his backside is more than thirty percent
higher than the rest of his body. It’s obviously very active at
Panman realised what Peter the Ace was hinting at. “Yuck!”
“Even more fuckin’ holes!” Ross Mental shouted. “His
supply of dung can’t last forever!”
Panman programmed a new burst of shots. He fired. The Blenheim rumbled
as the projectile gun released a rapid spray of bullets. In a wall of
sparks, eight hundred new holes appeared in the saucer ship’s inner
The lump-being moved with remarkable speed, plugging hole after hole after
Peter the Ace watched with interest. “You have to admit, that’s
a very impressive attempt to nullify our attack.”
The pressure in the saucer was dropping appreciably.
“He can’t last for much longer in there.” Panman said.
“By my calculations, he won’t get anywhere near to plugging
all the holes in time. The reduction in pressure should soon render that
fat bastard unconscious. I think we’ve got him!”
The lump-being had already plugged more than four hundred of the hull
breaches. But he was slowing noticeably. It looked like Panman was right.
But then the air pressure inside the saucer started to increase.
“How the fuck is that happening?” Ross Mental asked.
Peter the Ace looked at the sensor data. “Take a look at his backside
Ross Mental looked. “That’s fuckin’ disgusting!”
The lump-being was re-pressurising his ship with his own anal out gassings.
It was indeed disgusting. But it was also very effective.
“I’d hate to be in there right now!” Panman said as
he programmed another burst of shots.
The lump-being had now plugged seven hundred of the holes.
“More fuckin’ holes!” Ross Mental yelled. “A lot
“No problem.” Panman said. He fired.
Over the next three seconds, four thousand rounds punched their way through
the saucer ship’s inner hull, many missing Pys Phecees by just a
few millimetres. The lump-being started to plug the leaks. This time,
however, the leaks were much worse. Many areas of the inner hull were
now so perforated that they were unstable. Sections began to collapse,
opening up large cracks. The air was evacuated violently, reducing pressure
to zero in just a couple of seconds.
The lump-being farted harder in a valiant attempt to increase pressure,
but it was an impossible situation. He would have had to pressurise the
whole universe, and even Pys Phecees did not have enough intestinal bacteria
to generate the quantity of gas required.
Even without any air at all, the lump-being still managed to plug three
hundred more holes, and even one of the large cracks, before finally slipping
After a couple of seconds of silence, Peter the Ace spoke. “I think
we got him.”
“Stupid fat fuck!”
Panman asked a very pertinent question. “What should we do with
him? He’ll die in a few minutes.”
“We need to bring him onboard.” Peter the Ace said. “But
our detention cells are too small for a being as large and repulsive as
Pys Phecees. And we’d never get his bulbous frame down this ship’s
A revelation hit Panman like a kangaroo punch. “The cage!”
Peter the Ace was slightly confused. “We have a cage?”
“Of course! Don’t you remember? Two missions ago on the planet
Macid’Nah in the Ynos region. We had to capture that giant diseased
cow that was terrorising local government officials.”
“Oh yes! An entertaining few days,” Peter the Ace said, reminiscing.
“Especially the incident with the cleaning lady and the overloaded
fusion driver.” He looked at Panman. “Are you saying we still
have that reinforced cage onboard?”
“Yeah! It’s in the lower cargo bay, and it’s big and
strong enough to hold that lump-being. Didn’t you notice it while
we were down there with our snowboards? It takes up almost half the bay!”
“Can’t say that I did.” Peter the Ace said. He patted
Panman on the shoulder. “Good thinking. I’ll depressurise
the lower cargo bay and open the outer door. You contact the warrior babes
and ask them to cut Pys Phecees out of the saucer ship and drag him over
Panman chuckled as he operated the communicator. “We’re doing
so many cool things today!”