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Book: Vengeance of the Lump-Being
Chapter 20: Thick Grey Moustache

Commander Pepe groaned. “Oh yes! Yes, my dear. Marvellous!”

Hazel Lazernipelz, blissfully drugged and willing, sat astride the commander’s well-proportioned buttocks, rubbing her oiled and naked body up and down her master with expert precision. She leaned forwards and began massaging his shoulders, resting her generous breasts on his hairy back. She whispered, her voice slightly slurred. “Feeling refreshed?”

The commander smiled. “Oh yes!” he said with a sigh. “This is the only way to finish the day.” He turned his head and gazed out of the massive west-facing panoramic window. The huge majestic towers of the central districts could be seen, standing tall and proud against a beautiful amber sunset. A myriad of small craft navigated over and around the buildings, carving smooth automated arcs. The end of yet another fine and peaceful day at the Palace of Amino.

“Shall we bathe?” Hazel said breathlessly.

“A fine idea!”

Hazel rolled off the commander and stepped down into the bubbling whirlpool bath right in front of the window. She smiled sweetly, and then held her arms open. “Please join me.”

Commander Pepe sat up. His blubbery frame rippled from the sudden movement. He stepped down towards Hazel, drawn to her nude and alluring body. The feel of the warm foaming water around his colossal waist only amplified his desire. He reached out and cupped one of her breasts, squeezing gently. “It was wise of me to recruit you to my personal staff. Your skills are outstanding. And it’s only your first night on the job!”

Hazel smiled, and then reached under the water. She felt her way through several thick folds of flab then gripped the commander’s firm member. “Just think what I’ll be like on my hundredth night.”

The commander chuckled. “I can’t wait to find out!”

The small comms unit at the side of the bath bleeped three times. Its display lit up, flashing the words ‘Profoundly Critical’.

“Damn it!” the commander said, smashing his fist into the water. He turned to Hazel. “This is not for your ears. Leave me now.”

She nodded, gave his manhood one last tug, and then stepped out of the bath.

Commander Pepe watched her as she walked away across the tiled floor. Water trickled down her tanned body, glinting orange in the low and deepening sunlight. As she reached the doorway she turned and smiled, caressing her left nipple. “I’ll be in your bed pleasuring myself if you need me.” She walked out of the bathroom, the door sliding silently shut behind her.

The commander turned to the comms unit, trying to ignore the ache in his groin. He read the name of the caller, and then pressed the answer pad. “This had better be important, Weezil!”

I’m afraid it’s gravely important, sir.” Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit said. “Please come down to Amino Battle Command immediately.

The commander frowned. “What in heaven’s flames could be that important?”

We’ve received a transmission from Peter the Ace and Panman. They’re currently in the Gun-Loc system way out in the…

“Damn it! I know where they are! What was in the transmission?”

The chief officer paused for a second, and then spoke solemnly. “It was encoded DEEPSHIT.

The commander’s eyes widened. That was all he needed to hear. “I’ll be down in fifteen minutes. Assemble all my senior staff.”

Yes, sir.

Commander Pepe ended the call, cursed under his breath, and then hauled his corpulent frame out of the water. He walked towards the bathroom door. “Hazel?” he shouted.

After a few seconds, the bathroom door slid open. Hazel Lazernipelz stood there, naked, and still damp.

The commander spoke. “I have urgent business to attend to.” He pointed down. “Finish me quickly.”

Hazel giggled, licked her lips, and then got to her knees.


The curved double doors opened. Commander Pepe heaved his flabby bulk out of his armchair, and then stepped out of his luxurious private elevator and into the cavernous confines of the impressive Amino Battle Command. Carved into solid rock almost two kilometres below the Palace of Amino, Amino Battle Command was the nerve centre of the Palace of Amino’s astounding defence systems, and a practically impenetrable fortress where the commander and his staff could direct and monitor the missions of thousands of bounty hunters across the galaxy.

The commander looked up. A large light on the dark high ceiling pulsed a dim shade of purple. The alert status had been raised to lavender-blue.

He walked onto his private balcony, his robes dragging across the sumptuous red carpet, and looked down at the arrays of control consoles below. There was a lot of commotion as the battle command staff scurried about their business. Far more commotion than he had seen for many years. A wave of stress passed over his generously proportioned frame. This did not bode well. Whatever was happening, it looked like the period of peace, tranquillity, and daylong sensual massage sessions was over - at least for the time being, anyway.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit approached. “We are all in the main situation room, sir.” He said.

The commander nodded. “Let’s go.”

The chief officer turned and headed across the balcony, passed Commander Pepe’s personal battle command massage chamber, and through an arched open doorway – another elevator. The commander followed.

The elevator spoke, its voice the epitome of female sensuality. “Destination?”

“Main situation room.” The chief officer said.

The doors closed. After taking a second to silently authenticate its passengers, the elevator began a rapid descent.

Commander Pepe turned to Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit. “How bad is it?”

The chief officer answered, keeping his gaze fixed on the elevator doors. “The Palace of Amino is in grave danger.”

The commander glowered. “I know that, you fool! That’s what the DEEPSHIT encoding means!”

“Sorry, sir.” The chief officer said, bowing his head. “The message from Peter the Ace and Panman was heavily encrypted. The decryption process was not yet complete when I came up to meet you. I have only seen fragments of the message so I don’t really know much yet. It should be ready to view as soon as we reach the situation room.”

“So? What did the fragments you saw show you?”

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit swallowed hard. “It does look as though the palace could be vaporised within three days.”

The commander took in a sharp breath, holding back a flood of profanity. “I see.”

The elevator drew to a halt. “Sub-level 612 - main situation room.” It said, sweetly. The doors opened.

The chief officer and the commander stepped out into a large oval reception area. The room was decorated in the blue and gold colours of the Palace of Amino insignia, and circled with the portraits of many high-class bounty hunters. The portraits always inspired the commander in times of stress. He looked at the images of Peter the Ace and Panman – the largest in the room. An inspiring sight – just what he needed right now at this time of great uncertainty.

Sally Phatbytch, the main situation room’s plump and mildly repulsive administrator, greeted the commander. “Welcome, sir. May I get you anything?”

“Filet steak – rare!” Commander Pepe said as he and the chief officer walked by.

“Would you like fries with that?” Sally asked.

“Of course, but no vegetables – I hate those things! And bring me a litre of root beer, too!”

The chief officer and the commander entered the main situation room. Like the reception area, the main situation room was oval in shape, but much larger, with a shallow blue domed ceiling and a ten-metre wide dark wood oval table at the centre. The entire wall of the room was made of view-screen panels, each currently displaying the Palace of Amino Battle Command Insignia.

At more than three kilometres below the surface, the main situation room was one of the deepest and most secure locations in the palace, second only to the cavern of the Superior Beings, more than a kilometre further down.

Commander Pepe’s six most senior staff members were present. They all got to their feet and bowed as their commander entered.

“Be seated.” The commander said. He took his wide red leather seat at the head of the table. The senior officers sat back down.

Chief Officer Weezil Sagifagpakit walked to the far side of the room.

“Right, Weezil.“ Commander Pepe said, pouring himself a very large glass of Ded’Hed Spirit. “Explain what’s going on.”

The chief officer nodded. “Twenty minutes ago we received a heavily encrypted message from Peter the Ace and Panman. The message was encoded DEEPSHIP.”

The senior staff members gasped.

General Jenny Talwartz, however, did not share her colleague’s shock and amazement. “We are in imminent danger of destruction?” the head of the Palace of Amino Long-Range Intelligence Department (PALID) said. She frowned. “Surely an error! My staff perform hourly deep-scan in all directions. We have detected nothing even remotely threatening to the palace, and haven’t done since the Mechanism incident almost fourteen years ago!”

“The palace’s deep-scanners have a maximum range of five thousand light years.” The chief officer said. “This threat is almost thirty thousand light years away.”

The senior staff members gasped once more.

All except Jenny Talwartz. She shook her head. “I cannot believe some thing that far away can be an imminent danger to the palace. My scans are more than adequate to warn us of…”

Commander Pepe slammed his glass down on the table. Ded’Hed Spirit splashed across the table. “Enough!” He glared at the general. “We have yet to see what this threat is. I do not see how you can dismiss it so easily.”

The head of long-range intelligence lowered her head. “Sorry, sir.”

The commander nodded to his chief officer. “Continue. And no more interruptions!”

The chief officer spoke, reading off a small data-pad. “The message contains a presentation of the threat. The presentation has just this minute been decoded.” He reached out and touched the view-screen on the wall behind. “Please watch carefully.”

The entire wall of the main situation room flickered to life. The personal insignia of Peter the Ace and Panman appeared briefly, followed by the insignia of the Blenheim overlaid with a copyright message and a warning about unauthorised copying and distribution.

The senior staff members watched in expectant silence as the lights dimmed and the presentation began.

Sally Phatbytch entered the room. Silently, she walked over to Commander Pepe and placed a plate of filet steak and fries, and a tall root beer in front of him.

“Thank you.” The commander said quietly. “Now leave!”

Sally nodded, and then left the room.


After five minutes of stunning high definition visuals and sixteen-channel surround-sound, the presentation was over. And so was Commander Pepe’s meal.

The commander leaned back, letting out a loud and guttural burp followed by a muffled fart. “Opinions?”

“We’re doomed!” The head of internal defence, Harrison Ectoplasm, said. He was clearly disturbed. “It’s the most powerful weapon ever seen. It will fire in two days, and destroy us in three! What can we possibly do?!” He broke down and sobbed openly.

The commander glared at Harrison, but said nothing.

“Hmm…” Jenny Talwartz said. She was still quite dismissive. “It certainly does seem a great threat, but as our three top bounty hunters are out there I think we can be confident that they’ll prevent it firing. There is nothing we need do.”

Commander Pepe was not at all happy. “Peter the Ace, Panman, and Ross Mental are certainly the greatest heroes in the galaxy, and skilled beyond reason, but even they are not infallible! We must assume the worst – that that weapon will fire in three days. What can we do to prevent the destruction of the Palace of Amino?”

Woody Tiptoe, the head of external defence, spoke calmly. “The beam produced by that weapon is far more powerful that anything the palace’s defence shield is able to absorb. If it fires, we must find a way of dissipating as much of its energy as possible before it reaches us.”

“Good idea.” The commander said. “But how?”

“Obviously, something must be placed in its path.” Woody said

“Such as what?”

The head of the Bounty Hunter fleet, Admiral Marmaduke P Phutphungus had an idea. “A mass of ships, with their shields focused towards the oncoming beam, could dissipate some of the energy.” He said as he fiddled with his thick grey moustache.

The commander looked concerned. “It would take an awful lot of ships, would it not?”

“Indeed it would.”

“And it would mean the certain destruction of those ships, would it not?”

“I would need to study the data more thoroughly, but yes, I suspect many would be destroyed. But I see no other option in the time we have.”

Commander Pepe thought for a moment. “Hmm… It does seem like the only option at present.” He looked around the table. “What do the rest of you think of Admiral Phutphungus’s plan?”

Woody Tiptoe said. “It’s worth a shot.”

Madam Sambina Rolipoli, the triple-breasted head of food and beverage distribution, had not understood anything in the presentation, or what was now being discussed. Chewing on a large clump of her straight black hair, she said, “Sounds good to me!”

The chinless and hairless head of entertainment, Cyclone Joe Maloney, was similarly clueless. “Go for it, I say!”

General Jenny Talwartz still refused to believe there was a threat. “A waste of time. That weapon will not fire.”

Harrison Ectoplasm continued sobbing, his head buried in his arms on the table.

“Right,” the commander said. “Admiral Phutphungus, start building the fleet you require. Recall as many bounty hunters and their ships as you see fit.”

The head of the bounty hunter fleet nodded, and then saluted. “Yes, sir!”

“Woody, do everything you can to increase the strength of the palace’s defence shield.”

“I will, sir.”

“General Talwartz, focus all your scans in the direction of the Gun-Loc system. We’ll need you to warn us as soon as you detect that beam approaching.”

The general folded her arms and shook her head. “It won’t fire.”

“Do as I order!” the commander yelled.

Jenny Talwartz looked at the commander. She nodded. “If you insist, sir.”

“I do!” The commander turned to Madam Sambina and Cyclone Joe. “You two carry on as normal. Delicious food and top quality entertainment are essential to keep morale and motivation high.”

They both nodded.

“Harrison?” The commander said quietly.

Harrison looked up, and wiped the stream of tears from his cheeks. “Yes, sir?” he blubbered.

Commander Pepe stood and shouted at the top of his voice. His ample gut undulated noticeably under his heavy robes. “You’re fired!”

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