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Book: Rise of the Dough Monster
Chapter 15: Alien Destruction Fiends

Ross Mental strode quickly through the seemingly endless, dank passageways deep inside the Mumph-Scuttle Mountains, his standard bounty hunter issue floodlamp lighting the way. He was carrying a bulky looking bag over his right shoulder. "Fuck!" He said. "This bitch is heavy, even with two thirds of her body eaten away!"

The bag was another standard bounty hunter issue item, and it was a very advanced bag indeed. Once an object had been sealed inside it, all of the air was automatically evacuated, creating a perfect vacuum, and a perfect medium for preservation. These bags were usually used to store volatile and degradable evidence, dangerous chemicals, or fruit. Ross Mental's ingenuity had discovered another use; The preservation of a recently expired and dismembered fat woman.

The bounty hunter swung the bag around and over his other shoulder. "She'd better fuckin' recover," he said. "else I'll kill her!"

Several slug-like creatures squelched their way across the hard rock floor. They were fast as far as slugs were concerned, and chomped their little teeth loudly. Ross Mental ignored them and walked by, talking to himself to relieve boredom. "I hope my priority one call for assistance got through to someone." He said. "It's about fuckin' time that I had a reply!"

Some squelching disturbed him. He looked around. About ten metres behind, three of the slugs were following. "Fuck off, slimy bugs!" He said, and then carried on down the passageway. "I've got no time for greasy worms with fuckin' chattering teeth!"

The slugs took no notice and continued to follow.

It was another hour before the end of the tunnel was in sight. Rays of light scattered in through an opening several metres up a jagged rock face.

"Fuckin' daylight!" Ross Mental exclaimed. "About fuckin' time!"

He clambered up to the light, dragging the vacuum-packed Martha Rasindough with him. With a powerful, coordinated contraction of his right arm's synthetically enhanced tricep muscle, the bounty hunter flung the bag through the bright orifice. He followed.

Outside, the late afternoon air was fresh and warm. Ross Mental took a deep breath and cleared the stale smells of the caverns from his system. He picked up the bag and looked around. A dense forest stretched for many kilometres. Huge mountain peaks rose high into the sparse clouds.

"I'm down in the fuckin' valley!" Ross Mental said. "That was definitely one hell of a walk!"

The bounty hunter looked up. A sheer cliff, hundreds of metres high, hung over him. Apart from the sound of several species of annoying birds, all was quiet and serene. "Lawrence seems to have finished blasting the fuckin' mountain." He said, scanning the sky. "I can't see my ship up there. I'll bet the fucker's tried to leave the system with it!" Ross Mental thought for a moment then laughed. "He'll get a surprise. Whatever coordinates he enters into the navigation system, he'll end up back at the Palace of Amino, and in a sealed hanger bay, ready for a lifetime in a fuckin' detention cell! The Morbid's security safeguard won't let any one but me go any where else!" He un-clipped a small communicator from his utility belt. "I'll make a call and see if help's arrived?"

A red beam of potent energy touched the communicator, vaporizing it completely. Ross Mental jumped back and turned. A man limped towards him, blackened and bleeding. His clothes were torn and ragged, and his scratched skull protruded through his bald, ripped scalp in a most painful looking way. "Bounty breath!" The man said, slurring his speech.

"Lawrence?" Ross Mental said with calm composure. "I was wondering where the fuck you'd got to."

"Look at me!" Lawrence screamed. "Look at me!"

"I'd rather not. You look fuckin' awful!"

"Shut up!" The evil bedraggled one said hoarsely.

Ross Mental laughed. "You look as though you fell out of a fuckin' star ship, or something!"

Lawrence glared at him.

Ross Mental stared back, and then smiled broadly. "You did, didn't you!" He said, laughing louder. "I don't believe it! You fuckin' idiot! How the fuck did you manage that?"

Lawrence pressed the gun into Ross Mental's side. "Never mind." He whispered.

The bounty hunter stared at him. "Where's my fuckin' ship?" He asked in a severe tone of seriousness.

"Never mind." Lawrence whispered again. "You are going to help me destroy your friends."

"They're here?" Ross Mental exclaimed happily. "Who's come?"

"Bastard mother bastard Peter the bastard Ace and shit mother shit Panman the shit!" The thought of their names angered Lawrence intensely. He screamed with fury and fired into the air. A blast of energy fizzed into the sky. "I hate them I hate them I hate them!"

Ross Mental laughed. "With those two around you're really fucked!"

"Call them!" The dark sovereign of disaster said. "Get them down here so that I can burn them brutally and slowly."

"How can I? You destroyed my communicator, you fuckin' maniac!"

"What?" Lawrence yelled. "Find another way! Do it now! Now now now!"

"That fall must have really fucked up your synaptic connections!" Ross Mental said, laughed in an unnatural way.

Lawrence began stomping around the bushes that flanked the cave's entrance. He stopped and looked at Ross Mental, then grinned with sly uneveness. "Then your blazing demise with have to do!" The death master of gloom and depression aimed his weapon at the bounty hunter.

"If you kill me," Ross Mental said without a hint of fear. "Peter the Ace and Panman with make it their sole purpose in life to destroy you!"

"As you have seen," Lawrence said. "I cannot be destroyed. I am indestructible!"

"Your hair was destroyed!" Ross Mental said, pointing at the black lord's head.

"Never mention my baldness!" Lawrence shrieked insanely. He pulled the trigger.

Ross Mental's chest ignited into flames. He was thrust back, and slammed into the rock face.

"Ha harr!"

Lawrence took a difficult step forwards and fired again. With speed and agility beyond the comprehension of mere mortals, Ross Mental raised his arms and blocked the blast, his armoured sleaves absorbing the beam's power.

"Die!" Lawrence screamed, letting off a few more shots.

The bounty hunter raised his legs, deflecting the energy blasts with the

souls of his boots. Several nearby trees were hit by the beams and ignited.

For almost a whole minute, Lawrence pumped away on the trigger, and Ross Mental blocked and deflected every shot.

Lawrence eventually stopped. "You're bloody annoying!" He screamed, out of breath.

Ross Mental got to his feet. His armoured clothing was charred and smouldering. "They make great fuckin' suits at the palace, don't you think?" he said, brushing himself down.

"Who cares about your suit?"

"I fuckin' do!" the bounty hunter said. He looked down at his scorched attire. "I wonder if this can be repaired?"

Lawrence noticed a small weapon attached to the bounty hunters belt. "Why didn't you return fire?" He asked suspiciously.

"This you mean?" Ross Mental replied, tapping his mini-blaster. "I didn't want to accidentally shoot those fuckers!" He pointed behind Lawrence.

The doom lord glanced curiously round. Three half metre long slugs launched themselves into the air and landed on him. One chomped on his neck, one chewed on his arm, and the other bit hard into his scalp. "What is happening?" Lawrence shrieked, leaping up and down. The slugs started to suck hard, draining blood from his body.

Ross Mental smiled. "They like you!"

"Shut up!" Lawrence screamed. The dark demonic dude ran around, trying to rip off the tightly gripping creatures that were feeding on his life force. His attempts at removing them only made them bite harder. "Ahh!" he shrieked, and then ran down into the trees. "Bastard slimers!"

Ross Mental watched with delight. "A nice walk in the woods will do you the world of good!" He said, waving. "See you later, evil fucker!"

The bounty hunter waited until Lawrence disappeared from view. He thought for a moment. "Fuck!" He said. "I didn't get him to tell me what he did with my fuckin' ship!" He walked over to where the preserved remains of Martha were lying and picked up the bag. "I need to get in touch with Peter the Ace and Panman." He said looking up. "Where the fuck are they?"

A dark object was descending towards him from a high altitude.

"That looks fuckin' familiar." He said. "And unbelievably well designed."

With a smoothness and precision beyond the capabilities of most air and space craft, the Blenheim drew to a halt thirty metres above the trees. The clearing in front of the cave was no where near large enough for a landing. Ross Mental knew what was about to happen and took cover inside the cave's entrance.

Several pulsing energy beams passed over a forty thousand square metre area of the forest, vaporizing the trees and dense foliage into a cloud of smoke and flame. The Blenheim descended slowly and soft landed on its new, custom made pad. The exit ramp opened. Ross Mental left the cave and ran over to it.

"Ace! Panman!" He shouted.

Peter the Ace walked down the ramp, closely followed by Panman, who was munching on a prune and pumpkin doughnut.

"Ross Mental!" Peter the Ace said happily. "Great to see you!"

"Great to fuckin' see you! It must be two fuckin' years since we last saw each other."

"Indeed!" Peter the Ace said. "What have you been up to?"

"Well," Ross Mental said seriously. "I've been on a top secret mission for the Superior Beings. All I can say is that I was here working under cover as a fuckin' wise fucker."


"Yeah. Just as I was about to finish my surveillance and head home for a short vacation, that bastard mother fucker Lawrence appears!"

"An incredible fluke!" Panman said, taking another bite.

Ross Mental continued. "According to Martha, he landed on her plantation in a 'roundy shiny thing'. He must have left Kathwoman's mothership in a fuckin' escape capsule at the precise moment that the LARDBALLS weapon caused its dissipation."

Peter the Ace agreed. "Indeed. And he's been drifting inside it for the last four years!"

Panman's amazing mathematical powers were working hard. "The Palace of Amino was only two thousand light years from here when that battle happened. He must have been travelling so slowly!"

"Such a shame that he crashed here." Ross Mental said. "He was heading out of the fuckin' galaxy. Once he'd travelled beyond the rim, he would have been out of our fuckin' hair forever!"

"Actually," Peter the Ace said with great insight. "It was fortunate that he ended up here. If he had passed by and left the galaxy, he would eventually, after maybe several centuries, have been picked up by a powerful race of alien destruction fiends. After establishing himself as their diabolical leader he would have returned here and attempted another takeover. The fact that he's here means that we can eradicate him forever."

"Good point!" Panman said. "And as far as we know, we've already caused his death after making him jump from the Morbid."

"Ahh." Ross Mental said. "So it was you two that did that! I asked him how he fell out but he wouldn't fuckin' tell me!"

Panman’s eyes widened. "You've seen him alive?"

"Yeah! He's just ran off into the forest under attack by three carnivorous fuckin' slugs."

"The bastard never stays down!" Panman said. He finished off the doughnut.

"We should find him." Peter the Ace said. He turned to Ross Mental. "We'll take you up to the Morbid. It's parked a kilometre up this mountain."

"Fuckin' excellent!"

Panman pointed to the bag that Ross Mental was carrying. "What's in there?"

"Fuck! I almost forgot! This is Martha, the lard bucket that brought Lawrence to me."

"Why have you sealed her in a vacuum bag? Is she pig ugly or something?"

"She is pig ugly," Ross Mental said, "but that's not why she's in the bag. When Lawrence tried to blast us with my fuckin' ship, we managed to escape into a subterranean underworld. While down there, a scaly monstrous fucker ate most of her body. I was hoping that your cyborg construction system in the Blenheim could make her a body similar to Justin's."

"No problem!" Peter the Ace said. "We'll get Justin himself to do it. He'll be happy to have the chance to make a new metal companion!"

The three top class bounty hunters walked up the ramp and into the ship. The ramp closed behind them and hissed as it sealed tightly.

Justin's voice spoke over the Blenheim's internal communicator. "Peter the Ace. Panman. Please come to the bridge. A major problem has arisen and an interesting event is about to occur."

"Really?" Peter the Ace asked curiously. "What's the major problem?"

"A large undulating object, one hundred and six kilometres in diameter, has emerged from sub-space and is about to enter this planet's atmosphere close to this location."

"Interesting. How long until it arrives?"

"Five minutes."

"Hmmm... Okay. We're on our way."

The three bounty hunters headed towards the bridge.

"You may as well tell me about the interesting event."

"Lisa is in the sickbay."

"I know." Peter the Ace said. "She ate too much at the banquet and had stomach ache."

"She does not have stomach ache." Justin said without emotion.

"What is it, then?"

"She is pregnant and about to give birth."

Peter the Ace looked at Panman.

"It wasn't me!" Panman said defensively.

"I know." Peter the Ace said. "I have a good idea who it was though."


"We'll deal with it later. Panman, take what's left of Martha to the cyborg construction lab. Ross Mental, come with me to the bridge."

Panman took the bag from Ross Mental and left.

"What the fuck's going on?" Ross Mental asked. "Who's Lisa?"

"It's a long story." Peter the Ace said.

The two bounty hunters made their way to the bridge. Justin was there to meet them.

"Justin." Peter the Ace said. "We'll take it from here. Go to the sick bay and attend to Lisa."

"Maggie is attending to Lisa."

"Then go to the cyborg construction lab. Panman has a job for you."

Justin nodded, and then clopped and buzzed off the bridge.

"Well," Peter the Ace said. "We have Lawrence running around the forest in the process of being eaten by slugs, a female humanoid from Erogina who is about to give birth after being pregnant for less than two hours, a flabby peasant woman desperately in need of a new metal body, and a gigantic undulating mass from sub-space about to collide with this planet at our location."

Ross Mental grinned. "Another ordinary day in the life of a fuckin' ultra-mega-fantastic bounty hunter."

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