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Book: Rise of the Dough Monster
Chapter 7: Undomesticated Australopithecines

Early evening sun bathed the snow-capped peaks of the Mumph-Scuttle Mountains in a mellow shade of orange light. The warmth of the day was dissipating rapidly.

"Don't provoke them." The wise man said quietly.

A tribe of hairy, leather clad savages stood before them, drooling and snorting.

Lawrence was becoming impatient. "I could wipe them out." He said, waving his gun in their direction.

The wise man shook his head. "Shoot one of them and the rest will beat you into a small wet mound of indistinct bio-mass before you'd get the chance to fire another shot."

A look of extreme fury appeared on Lawrence's face. "My aim is impeccable!" He screamed.

The savages stared at Lawrence and grumbled.

"We should try to reason with them." The wise man said.

"They will only understand the blistering burn of a fusion blast!"

The wise man ignored him and took a step forwards. The savages started wailing and jumping wildly.

Martha took a couple of steps backwards. "They be annoyed!"

"Yes." The wise man said. "We must calm them." He raised his left hand as a sign of peace. "We are your friends. We will not harm you."

A look of disbelief filled Lawrence's face. "What kind of inane bullshit is that?" He yelled. "They can't understand a word that you're saying!"

The savages continued to wail and jump.

"Of course they can't!" The wise man said. "But they may understand my gestures."

"You're right."

The wise man was startled for a second. "I'm glad that we finally agree on something."

"Of course I agree. Gestures are the only thing that primeval neanderthals have a hope of comprehending." Lawrence aimed his fusion pistol. "And this," he said in a deep, gritty voice, "is my gesture!"

He fired.

A sizzling red beam of super-heated particles passed through the skull of the nearest savage, vaporising its minimal brain. A millisecond later, its head exploded, showering its companions with shattered bone and shredded, bloodied skin.

A couple of seconds of still deathly silence ensued as the headless body of the unfortunate savage twitched, and then slumped to the floor. Pints of rich red blood gushed out onto the dirt of the road.

The wise man clapped slowly. "Well done. That has to be one of the most foolish things I've ever seen."

The savages began to scream and moan in an exceedingly threatening manner.

"I am not foolish!" Lawrence yelled, his face turning red with rage. The dark cloaked evil guy began to leap up and down in a highly hysterical fashion. He fired wildly into the crowd of primitives. Scorched flesh and bone scattered all over the place as nuclear beams of potent force cut into the savages' bodies.

The howls of pain that resounded through the cold air sickened Martha. She watched with horror as life after life was cruelly and sadistically terminated.

The savages began to charge. "Dargha! Dargha!" They chanted as they stumbled over an incredible amount of severed body parts and made their way towards the three travellers.

Lawrence continued to fire inanely. "I can slaughter them all!" He screamed.

"There are too many of them!" The wise man said. "We must move back!"

The wise man dropped his bags and grabbed Martha. She dropped her bags as she was dragged down the road.

"Retreat, you insane fucker!" The wise man shouted at Lawrence. "Err… I mean retreat, you insane person."

Lawrence was laughing frantically. He ignored the wise man's advice. "Die, undomesticated Australopithecines!" He bellowed, firing madly. Limbs and exuded organs flew through the air.

Martha and the wise man watched from a distance as Lawrence continued his single-handed massacre. He could not keep it up for much longer. He must have killed more than a hundred but there were at least three hundred more, and they were surrounding him, and drooling profusely.

"Maybe they kill him and we be free!" Martha said hopefully.

"Lawrence is unlikely to be defeated that fuckin' easily." The wise man said. "But let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we!"

Lawrence was in trouble. The overwhelming number of savages was closing in on him, and his fusion pistol's power was beginning to fade. "Bastard weapon!"

Surely he was done for.

An incredibly deep throaty roar echoed through the valley. The savages halted their advance and listened. The roar was heard once again.

"Barghar! Barghar!" The savages screamed. They began to run in all directions.

A large creature, more than seven metres tall and almost twenty metres in length, smashed its way out of the trees and stomped heavily into the crowd of yelling savages. It proceeded to sit on as many of them as it could, splatting up to twelve at a time.

Martha watched the ensuing carnage with shock. "It be a grunk!" she exclaimed.

The wise man looked on with interest. "An interesting turn of events."

Lawrence seemed extremely delighted with the appearance of the giant beast. "The monsters of nature are assisting me!" He screamed. "They are obligated to protect and serve my ultimate cause!"

The wise man watched Lawrence rant and rave. "His ego is a major fuckin' problem!"

Martha nodded. "Everythin' about him be a major problem!"

The grunk continued to sit on as many of the savages as it could. There were very few of them left, and those that were left had completely forgotten about the travellers. They ran back into the forests from where they had first appeared.

A huge roar of satisfaction emanated from the grunk. It stopped its backside bloodshed and looked around at its handy work. Lowering its enormous head, it sniffed at the flattened remains of the savages. A tongue the size of several men shovelled the bloodied corpses into its gaping mouth. The grunk chomped loudly, mashing its teeth together with tremendous force. Solid bone was crushed to powder and tough cartilage was shredded and torn like paper.

Lawrence walked proudly over to Martha and the wise man. "With the help of one of my giant animal disciples I have destroyed the entire tribe of fetorous hominids!"

The wise man was annoyed. "That grunk is not one of your disciples! You're insane."

"No!" Lawrence screamed. "You're insane!" He pointed the gun at the wise man's face. "You, and that fat stumpy bitch! You're also supreme cowards, too!"

"Yes." The wise man said. "I guess that we are."

"I'm glad that you agree with me."

The wise man looked at the grunk. "We should move on while it's occupied." He walked over some charred remains to where their bags where lying. Martha followed. They both picked up the supplies.

"Let's move!" Lawrence said.

They walked quietly around the feeding grunk. It took no notice as it noisily munched its way through the mass of pulverised hominids.

Martha gazed at the gigantic beast as they passed by. She had never been this close to an adult grunk before and she certainly did not want to get this close again. She noticed that its enormous, blood-stained buttocks were tensing and relaxing slowly. "I be wonderin' what the evolutionary purpose of such a monumental animal be?" Martha said.

Lawrence seemed to know the answer. "To serve me in my quest for galactic supremacy!"

The wise man looked at the evil cloaked man. "I think that you've been seriously misinformed."

"I am well informed!" Lawrence retorted powerfully. "Brutes of nature bow down and serve my sordid, unscrupulous needs whenever I wish!"

"Be quiet!" Martha said, scared that the grunk would hear Lawrence's nonsense and sit on them. She felt the hard sting of metal slam into her neck. She winced and yelped with pain.

"Never order me to do anything!" Lawrence shrieked. Blood vessels on his temples had started to throb. He was stressed and hyper-tense.

Martha rubbed the point where the end of the fusion pistol had hit her. She decided not to provoke the evil dude any more and returned her attention to the mammoth creature that was feasting less than thirty metres away. The muscles of its entire body seemed to be tensing and relaxing now. It looked very strange.

The grunk raised its head and let loose one of the most thunderous roars ever heard in the history of the known universe.

Martha screamed and grabbed the wise man. He reluctantly allowed her to hold on to him. "It knows we be here and it be wantin' to kill us!" She whimpered.

"I don't think it's seen us." The wise man said. He thought for a moment. "It sounds like it’s in pain!"

The grunk’s body seemed to be involved in a rapid set of convulsions. It emitted yet another ear-splitting roar.

And then it moaned.

Martha, the wise man, and Lawrence watched as a ripple of contractions swept through the creature's whole musculature.

"It's going to defecate!" Lawrence said.

In quick succession, four large, purple and slimy lumps were ejected from the grunk. They landed with a tremendous thud on the road's surface. The grunk breathed heavily for a few seconds, and then returned to its meal.

Martha stared at the excrement. "Grunk dung ain't never been that colour before!" She said, confused.

The dung began to move.

"Demonic faeces!" Martha yelled. "They be wantin' to suck on our souls!"

The wise man spoke. "I don't think so."

The four purple lumps had sprouted legs and had begun to wander aimlessly around. They started to lick the slime from each others bodies.

"They're baby grunks." the wise man said.

Lawrence was delighted. "Witness the power of my control over nature!"

"What are you waffling about now?" The wise man asked.

"I commanded the beast to give birth, and it did!"

"You're completely deranged!" The wise man said. "A minute ago you thought it was having a shit!"

"Silence!" Lawrence screamed, waving his pistol in the wise man's face.

The four babies were still wandering around. Their mother seemed completely oblivious to them.

A look of thoughtfulness had filled Lawrence's face. He smiled wickedly, and then spoke. "The babies will be our transport." He said. "We'll ride them to our destination."

The wise man looked at him. "I hope you're joking."


"I guess next that you're going to tell us that you intended for these babies to be born for the sole purpose of providing us with a means of conveyance."

"Of course!" Lawrence pointed at the miniature grunks. "Bring three of them here now. We'll train them, and then ride them through the night."

Martha protested. "Their mother will be angry and devour us!"

"Go now!" Lawrence bellowed.

Martha and the wise man made their way towards the four babies.

"Don't worry." The wise man said. "It's written in you're village's 'Book of Great Big Stomping Things', that grunks are completely self-sufficient from birth and are therefore totally ignored by their mothers."


"Yes. There is no need for alarm."

Lawrence yelled. "Stop talking and do my bidding!"

Martha and the wise man reached the little grunks.

"How do we get them to go with us?" Martha asked.

"I'm not sure." The wise man replied. "I guess we should just push the fuckers!"

Slowly, three of the babies were herded towards Lawrence. It was getting dark. Night would fall within the hour.

"You said that you be havin' a way out of this mess." Martha whispered, as they pushed the little grunks in the direction of the evil cloaked dude. "When are you goin' to use it?"

"Shut the fuck up!" The wise man replied, scowling. "Never talk about it any more. If Lawrence were to hear you we'd be severely fucked!"

Martha noticed that the wise man, or whoever he was, used the word 'fuck' many times, but not usually in conversations with Lawrence. The questions 'What is a fuck? Where would you find one? How are they used?' filled her mind.

Maybe it was best that she didn't know.

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