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Book: The Kretins of Doctor Combobulay
Chapter 17: Thong

At the very bottom of the Nebulon’s huge spherical command centre, a door whooshed open. Doctor Combobulay raced in on her still smouldering chair. “Where is that bitch?!”

All of the crew members gazed down at the doctor from their terraces and balconies. Not one of them answered.

The doctor was fuming. Her clothes were blackened and badly damaged from the onslaught by Panman and the traitor, Roubella Moul. And her shoulder had been stripped of all skin and muscle. She did not seem concerned about that right now. “Who is in charge here?!”

Again, no answer.

The doctor shouted; her voice rough and distressed. “Commandant Fumbla has been decapitated. Assistant Commandant Moul has betrayed us to join the infiltrator. So, for the last time, who is next in command?!”

A small, round and bald man with an extensive collection of warts on his left cheek peered down and waved. “That would be me, ma’am. Colonel Hilber Hamblaba.”

The doctor was visibly stunned. “How did a pitiful and hairless fat man such as you reach such a position?”

“Commandant Fumbla appointed me, ma’am.” Colonel Hamblaba said nervously. “He was impressed with my organisational skills, and my ability to work well with others. He was particularly impressed with my unique leadership skills, especially my ability to motivate people to achieve their goals by squeezing one of my many…”

“Enough!” Doctor Combobulay screamed. “There is no time for idle chatter! The infiltrator is loose on this ship again, and that treacherous bitch, Roubella Moul, is with him. Find them and kill them!”

The colonel nodded. “Of course, ma’am.” He turned to his right and whispered some orders.

The doctor shouted again. “And get this ship out of the sea. Take us off-world immediately!”


The blast was intense. With a deafening clatter, the razor-sharp shrapnel from the grenade cut through the group of crew members, perforating them all in an instant. They fell and gushed blood and innards onto the floor’s smooth polished surface.

Panman peeked out from his hiding place. “Wow, perfect! Let’s go!” Beckoning Sind’a Thighs to follow, he sprinted quickly passed the twitching cadavers and gut-splattered walls and stopped at a large doorway.

Sind’a Thighs recognised the door. “This is the entrance to the Example Chamber.”

Panman fiddled with the door’s control panel. “Sounds interesting.” A second later the door opened. The Example Chamber’s large oval interior was revealed. Panman strolled in and over to one of the many large tinted glass vases, each illuminated by a spotlight on the high ceiling. He peered inside. “Shrivelled dudes!” He exclaimed. He turned to his companion. “What an odd thing to collect! Doctor Combobulay is one major freak of a megalomaniac!”

Sind’a Thighs explained. “Actually, they’re former crew members. This is how the doctor punishes acts of incompetence.”

Panman shook his head. “Only a weak leader with a total inability to inspire their subordinates would consider the need for such a punishment.”

Sind’a Thighs agreed, and then said. “Or a leader with an unhealthy compressed corpse obsession?”

Panman smiled. He looked at the lesser bounty hunter. “What an insane suggestion! You impress me more and more each time we meet. Well done!”

Sind’a Thighs blushed, and then lowered her head. Her breathing deepened. “You honour me beyond what I deserve. I am eternally grateful.”

The chamber began to vibrate, and then gravity seemed to shift.

Panman spoke. “This ship’s moving up and accelerating. I think we’re…”

A blast of energy, thin and precise, burned into the back of Panman’s armoured environment suit. He was thrown forwards onto Sind’a Thighs, his back awash in sparks and flames. With a hiss Panman’s suit’s fire suppression system activated, quashing the fire.

Protected by Panman’s bulk, Sind’a Thighs reached round her superior and fired her pistol several times. “There are six of them!” She fired a few more shots. “Make that four!”

Panman turned, rolled, and then fired. At the far doorway another crew member dropped to the floor, his head a ball of flaming charred flesh and bone. Three remained. They ducked down, firing wildly as they did so.

Sind’a Thighs leapt for cover behind one of the giant vases.

Panman allowed his suit to absorb another shot as he aimed to the right of crew members. He fired. The base of one of the vases exploded, sending the vase crashing down. One of the crew members screamed as the shattering vase crushed him. The vase’s shrivelled contents spilled out. Satisfied with the result, Panman fired at the base of another vase, to similar effect. The bounty hunter laughed out loud.

At least a dozen more crew members arrived.

Panman ran to Sind’a Thighs. “Although this is fun, I think it’s time we left.” He pulled out a disk-shaped object from his belt and fiddled with a small control panel on its surface.

Sind’a Thighs’ eyes widened. “That’s a hyper-hot-shatter-bomb!”

Panman grinned as another blast cut into his environment suit. His fire suppression system activated once again. “Indeed it is!”

“But those are designed to rip open the hulls of huge ships! Using one of those now would be…”

“Insane?”

Sind’a Thighs paused for a second, and then nodded. “I understand.” She bowed her head. “I should have realised. Please forgive me.”

“You’re forgiven. Anyway, it’s not as insane as you think. I’ve set it to its lowest power setting.” He flicked a switch on the disk. “Head for the rear exit. You go first. I’ll absorb as much of their fire as I can to protect you. Now!”

Sind’a Thighs ran. Panman dropped the hyper-hot-shatter-bomb and then followed her. Immediately a barrage of fire erupted. Panman took several direct hits, his suit bursting into flames. His suit’s fire suppression system activated yet again. Another blast skimmed Sind’a Thighs, igniting her blue cloak and suit. The two bounty hunters left the Example Chamber. Panman turned and operated the door controls. The entrance to the Example Chamber was sealed. He turned to Sind’a Thighs. She had already removed her burning cloak, and was now unzipping her smouldering suit.

She looked at Panman. “I took a hit! Just in the padding, fortunately.” She continued undressing, removing the suit and the padding. She stood, wearing nothing but a tight pair of black Palace of Amino thongs and tube bra. Her well-toned and lightly-tanned body was obviously tense with excitement.

Panman smiled.

With an incredible bang and punch, the whole floor shuddered. The door to the Example Chamber crumpled outwards.

“Cool!” Panman exclaimed. “Right, we need to get up to the bridge. I need to finish my ‘conversation’ with the doctor, and also find out where this ship’s going.”

Sind’a Thighs grinned. “No problem. I know the way from here!”

“Then off you go!”

Sind’a Thighs turned and ran, her toned buttocks flexing and relaxing in a highly-trained and expertly coordinated manner.

With pleasure, Panman followed.

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