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Book: The Kretins of Doctor Combobulay
Chapter 3: Healthy Lust

Panman entered the Blenheim’s bridge. He munched noisily on a long stick of salami. “Radic’s still blubbering!” He said, taking his seat at his weapons console next to Peter the Ace. “What a feeble waste of time he is!”

“Indeed.” Peter the Ace said as he operated some controls. “Deviant criminal overlords are almost always the same when you catch them. Pathetic, isn’t it?” He pressed a control surface. The ship shuddered ever so slightly as it folded into the realm of subspace.


The Blenheim made an announcement. “SUBSPACE TRANSITION COMPLETE. CURRENT VELOCITY: SUBSPACE 8.1. JOURNEY TIME TO THE PLACE OF AMINO: THREE DAYS, SIXTEEN HOURS, AND SEVEN MINUTES.”

Panman swallowed the last of his salami. “Can’t wait to get back. There’s a new restaurant that’s opening in four days at the Nypl-Dome!”

“What’s it called?”

“Chug.”

Peter the Ace frowned. “Really?”

Panman grinned. “Yeah! And they’re keeping the menu top secret!” He groaned. “Surprises are cool!”

“I would have thought that your ‘Voracious Gut Rumbler Monthly’ magazine would have published the menu well in advance? They usually do, don’t they?”

“They do, but this time I told them not to spoil things. And they do whatever I tell them!”

Peter the Ace nodded. “And so they should.”

There was a bleeping sound.

Panman checked his console. “It’s a call from the palace. Commander Pepe!” He touched a control. The Palace of Amino insignia rolled onto the main view-screen, and then faded away. The corpulent face of the commander appeared. Either side of him stood two naked females. Their tanned and toned bodies glistened with oils. “Yo! Commander!”

Commander Pepe grinned, and then bowed. His multiple chins wobbled like jelly. “It’s good to see you again. How’s your mission going?

“We caught Radic!” Panman announced. “He’s bawling like child in one of our detention cells.”

An outstanding effort, as always! Well done! He’ll make a fine addition to our collection of villains down in the palace’s deepest dungeons.” The two naked females started to nuzzle up to the commander, pressing their ample breasts against the sides of his head. “What about the associated missions?

“All succeeded, or progressing well.” Peter the Ace said, not in the slightest bit phased by the actions of the females. “Radic’s whore-cloning facilities are dust. Ross Mental and other bounty hunters are on their way to Repugnius to mop up the last of his active whores. In a couple of days Radic’s vast prostitution network will be extinguished.”

The commander applauded. “Bravo! That filthy and depraved business of his had been allowed to go on for far too long.” He groaned as the hand of one of the females made its way down under his robes. For a brief moment he closed his eyes and rolled his head back.

Panman spoke. “We are heading back to the palace now. We’ll arrive in…”

Commander Pepe opened his eyes and interrupted. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to delay your return. There is something I need you to check up on before you come back. It’s the main reason I called, in fact.” He waved away the females. In unison they caressed his chins, and then slinked away.

“What’s up?”

Do you know of the planet Droog?

Peter the Ace thought for a moment. “I think so. It’s on the edge of the Kababuta Sector not far from our present location. A rather primitive world – no interplanetary travel, I believe.”

The commander nodded. “That’s right. An insignificant pre-subspace culture, and one we would normally stay away from, other than for occasional practical joke purposes.

Panman was confused. “Why are you mentioning it, then?”

About ten days ago Droog suffered a planet-wide disaster. An incredible 14 large asteroids impacted on its surface in the period of only one day.

“Whoa! Unlucky to the extreme!” Panman said. “But what’s that got to do with us? We’re first-class bounty hunters. We only deal with the most extravagantly widespread and mind-shattering situations that are instigated and controlled by mad and ugly evil dudes. We don’t deal with natural disasters.”

Those asteroids had been in a stable complimentary orbit with Droog for more than a billion years. They passed within a million kilometers of the planet every decade – a cause for great celebration and merry-making for the population. In fact, the passing of the asteroids was the basis for all their religions and pubic holidays. Ten days ago the stability of the asteroids’ orbit was lost, causing all of them to collide with the planet.

Panman sat up straight. “Wow! Cool! In a catastrophic kind of way, that is.”

Indeed. And the chances of that catastrophe being the result of natural causes are extremely remote.

Peter the Ace was thoughtful. “Intriguing, commander, but it is still a minor event for bounty hunters such as us.”

Commander Pepe nodded. “I came to that conclusion myself. That’s why I sent a recently qualified seventh-class bounty hunter to investigate – her first solo mission. She had been in orbit around Droog for the last few days doing detailed sensor sweeps of the planet’s surface. Just a few hours ago we received her last transmission on her findings. And then, shortly afterwards, we received an automated distress call. The data is heavily corrupted, but it appears she was under attack from the surface. All contact has been lost.

“What happened? How could such a primitive world attack a bounty hunter ship in orbit?”

As you are only one day away from Droog, that’s what I want you both to find out.

Peter the Ace shook his head. “Interesting, but that kind of mission is still beneath us. There must be other lesser bounty hunters in the region that could handle this?”

Panman agreed. “Yeah! I’ve got a restaurant opening to go to!”

I understand, restaurant openings are important. And yes, there are a few bounty hunters in the area that could attend in your place, but I have a gut-feeling that this is going to turn into something much bigger, and my gut-feelings are legendary, as you know!

Peter the Ace could not disagree. He nodded slowly once. “Indeed.”

“And if that doesn’t persuade you, the identity of the missing bounty hunter will.”

“And what identity is that?”

Your prodigy, Sind’a Thighs.

Peter the Ace’s eyes widened. “That does indeed persuade me. She’s a remarkable specimen, most notably for the quality of her thighs. They are the object of healthy lust by almost all bounty hunters – male and female.”

Panman nodded. “She can bake to perfection, too!”

Then it’s decided! Please go at once. I fear that she is in mortal danger – far more danger than a seventh-class bounty hunter can handle.

Peter the Ace nodded. “We’re on our way. Don’t worry, commander. We know Sind’a Thighs very well. She’s far more capable than you think.”

Panman shouted. “And order the manager of the Chug restaurant to delay the opening until I get back!”


With the poise of a sure-footed chompotamus, the Blenheim altered course and headed towards the devastated world of Droog.

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